Behind the Static
by kirasometimes
Summary: He had married his first love 6 months ago, Emma Nelson. But if he had been more intune with his heart, he would have realized that first love had never meant true love in his case. But he had long since turned off his heart.
1. Chapter One

Title:** Behind the Static**

Author: **Claddagh Ring**

Disclaimer: Is Sean back in Degrassi? No? Well damn it, I guess I really don't own Degrassi.

AN2: The italics are there for a reason. You'll figure it out, I promise.

* * *

"_Come on Els," Sean pleaded, pushing his lower lip out in a mock pout, "Just let me see it."_

"_No, it's a surprise!" Ellie insisted, laughing as she pushed the wrapped, cd-shaped package into her purse that was sitting on the kitchen table. "Besides, what fun are birthdays if I can't torture the birthday boy?"_

"_You know what would be even more torture?" Sean asked, his eyebrows rose mischievously. "Letting me know what it is without actually giving it to me."_

"_Oh yeah, fun," Ellie laughed again, rolling her eyes._

"_It is," Sean agreed, settling his hands low on her hips and pulling her closer to him. "A lot of fun."_

_Ellie laced her arms around Sean's neck, her fingertips tickling the fine hairs at the nape. She could practically feel her eyes glaze over with love -and lust- for her boyfriend. An older part of her would have become fatally ill at the mere thought that she could have fallen so hard for a boy, but the part that was with said boy didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, she began to care even less about her old self as Sean carefully left the barest brush on her lips; the exact same way he always did before he initiated a kiss. Ellie didn't give him the time to think as she leaned up onto her tip-toes and melded her lips to his. She could feel Sean's full smile as he pushed her against the wall behind them, deepening the kiss. His hands left her hips to cradle the sides of her face which only managed to pull her even further into his mouth._

_Ellie pushed herself off the wall and started fumbling her and Sean's way down the hall, her lips never leaving his for an instant. She back Sean into the end table, causing Sean to stumble and laugh into her lips since he was still being awkwardly led backwards towards the bedroom. Ellie smiled as she pulled his zip-up hoodie off his shoulders, leaving him clad in a tight, muscle-bearing wifebeater._

_Sean broke the kiss when his lungs began begging for air. He rested his forehead on hers while he twisted the door open with one hand and slipped Ellie's arm-warmers off with the other._

"_Damn all your layers," Sean breathed huskily as he revealed a black tank-top from underneath her black and gold mesh top._

"_I do it on purpose," Ellie whispered into his ear._

"_Tease," Sean accused lovingly._

"_Mm, not tonight," Ellie shook her head, finally succeeding in getting the buckle on Sean's belt undone._

_Sean pulled off her final tank-top and pushed her onto the bed. His fingertips brushed the skin just above her pants line at the same time Ellie pulled his lips down, hungry for another searing kiss._

_Needless to say, the mysterious cd was the farthest thing from Sean's mind… _

The feeling of cold sweat was the first thing that registered in Sean's brain has he jerked himself out of the dream/memory. His breath was coming out in heavy pants and the sheets were damp from where he had just been lying.

It's been almost two years since a memory of Ellie had come through in a dream. They were always so much more worse when they did, because in his dreams, he could remember every touch, smell, every whispered word. And then, if he didn't just come out of it like he had this morning, he would wake up expecting to see a pool of red hair within his reach. But each after each dream-morning, it was an empty pillow or a short stock of blonde hair that tickled his arm in the a annoying way because of the fact the owner was against using anything that was not natural.

He had married his first love 6 months ago, Emma Nelson. But if he had been more in-tune with his heart, he would have realized that _first love_ had never meant _true love_ in his case. But he had long since turned off his heart.

He'd lost all reason to feel anything three years ago; the day Ellie Nash died.

* * *

AN: **Just for clarification:** This is NOT a Semma fic. Sorry for those who thought it was... keeping reading for me anyway? There are heavy Sellie undertones. Sean and Ellie forever.

I write, you read, you review, I write more.


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: SC1

AN: Thanks to all the reviewers. I love you so much. I know most of you a ready to kill me for killing off Ellie but I HAVE A POINT! And I'll make it when I'm ready. Remember: Sellie is the real couple in this fic. Semma is just kinda there. GO SELLIE!

* * *

"Sean, sweetie, get up," Emma said in a way that to his half-awake ears sounded like an order. He didn't think anything of it, still shaken from dream. He knew he should have felt a little guilty at the fact that the intimate moment had been between his ex and not his wife, but he shook off that feeling my reminding himself that it was, in fact, a memory and not a fantasy in the making.

"Sean," Emma repeated. "We're going to be late."

"For what?" Sean asked. "It's like, 7 in the morning. What's there to be late for?"

"My children's hospital benefit," Emma reminded him. "You promised you'd help me set up in the morning and then after that, you said you'd help pack up what was left of the children's shelter that was left from last night."

"God, woman, do you ever sleep in?" Sean groaned, pulling on the first pair of jeans he found.

"Not really, no," Emma answered, throwing a pair of black slacks towards Sean. Her expression told him she was displeased with his choice of clothing, so he started changing into the slacks. "That's better. You know, I've been thinking. I think we should look into getting a smaller apartment."

"What's wrong with this one?" Sean asked, starting to get upset.

"It's to big for just us and I don't plan on having kids for the next few years and there's just no point," Emma argued.

To say the least, Sean was attached to the three beds, two baths apartment. Emma did have a point that it was too big for the two of them, but getting this apartment was the first thing Sean had ever been able to truly do on his own. No Tracker, no student welfare, no parents; just hard work, sweat and a little blood on the job as a mechanic. And it had felt good.

"But it's mine Emma," Sean retorted. "My name's on the papers and I pay all the bills. I like it."

"Look, I know it's like symbolic for you, but we have a chance to do better," Emma rationalized in her natural tendency to fight back. "There are apartments that are just as nice but more realistic for us."

"Us?" Sean spat angrily. "There is no 'us' in this. You want this, I don't."

"Don't be like that Sean. I know it's going to be hard to move from here what with all the mem-." Emma's voice dropped off into a buzzing sound as Sean's became, unintentionally lost in his subconscious...

"_Oh. My. God!" Ellie squealed, pulling Sean into a tight hug. "Did you really? I mean, is this really- are we really-."_

_Sean laughed over her sputtering as he took in the beautiful, immense living room. He placed a soft kiss on her temple before responding._

"_Yes, Ellie, this is it," Sean smiled. "Really. This is our new place."_

"_But how?" Ellie gushed._

"_I've been saving up," Sean explained. "I made a deal with the landowner and he said that since we're still in school, he'd cut us slack on the payments so long as it's full price by the end of each season."_

"_It's so beautiful Sean," Ellie laughed, running her fingers down the marble kitchen counters. _

"_It's for you," Sean admitted. "That old shack was starting to look embarrassing with you in it."_

_Ellie laughed, her eyes sparkling as she spun around and jumped into Sean's arms, her legs wrapped around his waist._

"_Thank you," Ellie whispered into his ear. "But anywhere I am, as long as you're there, I'm happy. You know that."_

"_I know," Sean nodded. "But I wanted you to have this. Because I love you."_

"_I love you too," Ellie repeated before letting her lips find his..._

"Sean?"

"I'll see you later," Sean said in a strained whisper and stalked out of the room. Emma jumped when she heard the front door slam from down the hall.

In truth, she wasn't angry at him. She was angry at herself... and at her.

Emma remembered when she had let Sean go. He'd hurt her so bad when he'd chosen Jay and his friends over her, but as she looked back on it now, she knew she had wound him too tight. They were his release. She had expected Sean to be angry with her, and he was for awhile. But he was the better half, apologizing first and hoping that she could at least be civil. However, she was still pissed. Even more so when he met Ellie. For the first time since her break-up with him she had seen Sean smile. His smile used to be only hers, but now, Ellie was the one who could draw it out. It didn't seem right, but that's how it was.

She had hoped that Ellie would deem Sean as unforgivable when he left to Wasaga Beach. But when he'd come back, she welcomed him with open arms.

It was then that Emma knew she would never be able to have her first love back. And she hated Ellie Nash for that…

"_Ellie!" Emma cried and jogged down the hall towards the red-headed punk._

"_Hey Emma," Ellie shrugged in a confused way. "What's up?"_

"_I just had to ask you something," Emma confessed. "I saw Sean yesterday coming out of that CD store downtown and was wondering if you knew he was in town."_

"_I knew," Ellie answered, accompanied by a shrug again._

"_So you talked to him then?" Emma waited for an answer. She received a nod, which only lead her to another question. "So is he back? I mean for good?"_

"_Yeah," Ellie couldn't help herself from smiling. From her smile, Emma knew the rest of the story._

_Somehow she had managed to convince herself that if Sean came back, it would be for her. Their moment on the beach, she'd interpreted as something meaningful, but now, it just seemed to be nothing more than something between former friends. Right now, Emma wasn't even sure if she wanted to be friends with Sean again._

"_You know, you're just rebound." Emma could barely believe the words coming out of her mouth. She had no right to them and they were cruel, even for her. "You have to know that. I mean, it's a long rebound but in the end, that's all you are…"_

"Well, I might have been right," Emma sighed. "In the end, Sean came back to me."

- - - - - - -

Sean leaned his head against the steering wheel, already drained from the day and it was only noon. He had shown up at the hospital and set up the chairs and tables for the decorators; fix the collapsible stage when the springs got jammed, rigged up the stereo system all while trying to avoid thinking about the argument with Emma that morning. Or the fact that for some reason, he couldn't quit remembering a certain, dead, lover.

"Things would be so much easier if you hadn't left me," Sean whispered as he felt his eyes start to well up with tears. Instantly, he reigned in his emotions, knowing that it was best all around if did. He reminded himself that after today, things would go back to normal. It was only a dream-day.

"Only a dream," Sean repeated out loud.

* * *

I write, you read, you review, I write more. 


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: SC1

AN: This chapter may seem a bit cluttered but it sets what I want up for the next chapter which will get into what you're all waiting for... how Ellie died, well, part of it, but it's all in the next chapter.

* * *

"I haven't seen you all day," Emma said in what she hoped was an apologetic tone as Sean wearily walked through the front door and collapsed on the couch. "I was starting to get a little worried. You know, after what happened this morning."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," Sean said, offering no other explanation.

"Well, I was wondering if maybe we-."

The fog he'd been in all day clouded his mind again, blocking out Emma's voice for the second time that day...

"_Hey Sean," Ellie greeted as she sat on top of the desk in front of him. "What are you still doing here?"_

"_Detention," Sean shrugged. "I'm supposed to leave at 4:30 but I got an extra hour for showing up late."_

"_How do you show up late?" Ellie asked. "It's like, right after school isn't it?"_

"_Yeah but it was- well I mean-," Sean stuttered, a slight blush forming on his face. "I had to pick something up. And if I didn't get it by 4, they were going to sell it."_

"_Sounds important," Ellie smirked._

"_No, not important," Sean shook his head._

"_Then let's see it," Ellie said, holding out her palm. As Sean shook his head 'no', his blush increased, a clear signal to Ellie that something what up. "Come on Sean, what is it?"_

_Sean's hand lingered at his jacket pocket, as if considering showing her whatever 'it' was, but he pulled away empty-handed. Ellie reached over the desk, and in one smooth motion pulled a small black box out of his pocket. She jumped off the desk and ran to the opposite side of the room before Sean even noticed what she had done._

"_Shit, El!" Sean shouted in surprise. "Come on, give it back!"_

"_I just want to know what was so important," Ellie shouted back, then in a quieter tone, made an observation. "Sean, this is a jewelry box."_

"_Yeah, I know. Give it back," Sean pleaded, making a grab for the box, but Ellie just spun out of his way, pulling up the top of the hinged box._

_A small sparkling diamond set in a white-gold bad glistened against the black velvet. Ellie breathe caught in her throat as she pulled the delicate-looking ring out of the box and held it up for Sean to see as well. Sean was overcome with a sense of embarrassment he'd never felt before, but the look of questioning in Ellie's eyes gave him just enough nerve for an explanation._

"_I was, well I was hoping to do it properly," Sean whispered, stepping closer and pulling the ring from her fingers. "You know, over a dinner, maybe with Ash or Jay or Alex there but, you screwed that up. Basically, I- um... well... I mean, not now and not till after we graduate but I was hoping that maybe one day you'd want to... marry me?"_

"_Wh-what?" Ellie stammered. _

"_Marry me," Sean repeated, holding the ring out to her. Ellie's eyes misted with tears and she couldn't help the wide smile that forced its way onto her face. A slight nod was all she could manage. Sean's face was an exact mirror of hers as he slipped the ring onto her finger..._

A sharp ringing noise coming from the kitchen interrupted his thoughts. Emma has stopped talking, but made no move to answer the phone so Sean pushed himself up from the couch to answer the insistent ringing.

"Hello?"

A mechanical voice from the other end answered. "This call is from the Toronto State Prison and is subject to recording. Do you wish to take this call?"

"Um, sure," Sean replied scratching his head. Who did he know that was in there?

"Yo Sean!" an excited male voice greeted happily.

"Jay? Holy shit man!" Sean laughed. "What's up?"

"Not much man," Jay laughed with him. "I'm having a fucking good day man. I got to tell you about it. First, you know, Alex came to visit me and then I found out that I'm getting released… check this, this weekend."

"No kidding?" Sean asked, shocked. "I mean, really? You are?"

"Yeah, I know it's insane!" Jay agreed. "And for good behavior of all things."

"You, good behavior?" Sean joked.

"Told you, insane!" Sean could practically see Jay's smile he continued to rant. "It's crazy in here anyway. I can't wait to get out. First thing I'm doing is getting a drink. Just one, I swear. Maybe. Anyway, what's new with you? I haven't seen you in forever."

"Nothing really," Sean replied. "I got married."

"Yeah to Green Peace," Jay acknowledged. "I got the invite. Waste of paper on me, but nice thought. What is it with you and that girl anyway? The whole off-on thing gets confusing."

"I don't know," Sean tried to find the words to explain. "It's-."

"Never mind, I don't want to know," Jay interrupted. "She pregnant or anything?"

"No, she doesn't want kids right now," Sean shook his head slowly, hoping to keep the fog from overtaking him again. "And I'm not sure if I'm ready..."

"_Sean?" Ellie sat down on the couch next to him, her nervousness radiating off her in waves._

"_Hey," Sean reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "What's wrong baby?"_

_Ellie began to chuckle as she replied. "Interesting choice of words there Sean. Seeing as how... well, I was wondering. What do you think about having one? A baby, I mean."_

"_One day, sure," Sean nodded, running his fingers through her red hair._

"_Would that 'one day' happen to come in the next 8 months?" Ellie asked, sucking in her breath, waiting for Sean's answer._

"_El, what's going on?" Sean asked, not catching her hints._

"_Sean, I'm pregnant," Ellie whispered, a tear slipping down her face, partly because of her fear and the other part because of Sean's look of utter surprise._

"_You're serious?" Sean asked, surprise still etched onto his face._

"_Yeah. I'll probably deliver about 2 months after we graduate," Ellie nodded, staring at the engagement ring on her hand._

"_Well," Sean sighed, lifting her chin up so he could look into her eyes. "I guess it's a good thing I moved up a year last semester."_

"_What do you mean?" Ellie asked, her brow scrunching._

"_Well, it'd be pretty hard on us to have a baby if one of us were still in school," Sean smiled. "El, we're having a baby."_

"_We're having a baby!" Ellie laughed as Sean pulled her into a tight, happy hug…_

"Sean? You still with me?" Jay asked.

"Yeah sorry," Sean shook the fog to the back of his head. "What'd you say?"

"Look, I called you because I wanted to tell about me getting out early so we can hang out or whatever, but I also thought you'd like to know that Robbins got dragged in here a few days ago."

A chill washed over Sean as he pulled one of the kitchen chairs out from under the table, falling heavily into the cushioned seat. "Robbins? As in-?"

"The one and fucking only," Jay confirmed. "Got to say, I'm pissed off because now every time I see him I want to rip his head off... uh, not that I'm going to or anything because anyone listening in on this call would get me in trouble for making threats… I guess something finally caught up with him. That's a good thing, right?"

"Maybe," Sean sighed. "What's he in for?"

"I don't know. I don't have any chanced to talk to him," Jay said apologetically.

"You have one minute left for this call," the robotic voice interrupted.

"I got to go man," Jay said. "I'm out at 5 on Saturday. Lexxi's picking me up. You want to meet us there and go do something?"

"Yeah, three and half years is too long to not be seeing my best friend," Sean replied, a small smile stretching across his face.

"Best friend?" Jay repeated uncertainly.

"Yeah. Best. Friend," Sean repeated. "Jay, it wasn't your fault. You know I don't blame you."

"But I still do," Jay admitted, but couldn't say anything more as the dial tone filled the earpiece.

"I'm sorry I killed her Sean," Jay whispered sadly before letting the guard escort him through the prison.

* * *

AN2: Don't go insane on me. I promise to update sooner this time and explain most of everything with Jay.

I write, you read, you review, I write more.


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: SC1.

AN: This chapter is mostly a memory, but the twist is, it's not Sean's. It's from Jay this time, and I'm really self-conscious about this chapter since it's a bit out of my comfort zone, so... leave me reviews. Please? I'll take anything.

This is dedicated to my twin-who-is-not-really-a-twin Anna! Because I never get to talk to her anymore because her yahoo doesn't work and I miss her so much!

* * *

Jay flopped down on his thin, muted grey prison bed. Part of his mind registered that this was one of the last times he would ever have to do that, but the majority on it was on the fact that Sean truly didn't blame him for what happened to Ellie even though Jay still blamed himself. He knew it was stupid, and he knew that there was no reason for the blame to fall on him but past his anger and his grief, it was all he had left for himself.

Things just were never simple for him...

"_Jay!" _

_Jay whirled around to see a wave of red hair start towards him. Quickly, he put out his cigarette and tried to wave the smoke away from him. Sean would kill him if something happened to the baby because of him. Though Jay seriously doubted one single puff of smoke would harm it, he wasn't willing to take the chance on his best friend's behalf._

"_What's up Ellie?" Jay greeted, leaning against his car as Ellie jogged as best she could towards him._

"_Have I told you how fantastic you are lately?" Ellie asked with an obviously fake smile on her face._

"_What do you want?" Jay laughed at her attempts at flattery._

"_A ride," Ellie said, dropping her fake smile for a real one and forgetting her original game plan. She worked better in the direct anyway. "To Oshawa."_

"_What?" Jay sputtered. "What the- no! It's like 4 hours away!"_

"_Come on Jay! My dad's getting flown in and I want to pick him up," Ellie explained. _

"_Get Sean to take you," Jay suggested._

"_Gee, why didn't I think of that?" Ellie smirked before hitting Jay on the back of the head. "Oh wait! I did! He has to work double shifts tonight and tomorrow if we're going to pay the apartment off this month so he can't! Please Jay? Just this once. I swear, I will never ask again."_

"_Damn right you won't," Jay groaned before opening them passenger side door. "You owe me gas money."_

_Ellie squealed and threw her arms around Jay before hopping into the car with a ridiculously huge smile on her face. Jay couldn't stop himself from smiling with her._

"_Oh, and one more thing," Jay said, gesturing at Ellie's nearly 6 months pregnant stomach. "If your dad thinks I'm the one that did that to you, you owe me double."_

"_Deal," Ellie laughed._

"Piece of shit," a gruff voice shouted, pulling Jay out of his head, if only for minute. In prison, there's not much left to do other than remember.

"Stupid bitch," his cellmate complained as he stomped into the cell. In a high pitched, obviously mocking voice, he continued, "My plane's not in till Thursday. I can't get you out till then. Well kiss my ass."

Jay simply shook his head...

"_I hate Zurich," Ellie pouted in the front seat. _

_Jay laughed without meaning to but his laugh quickly dissolved into false coughs at the sight of Ellie's glare. "Sorry his plane got held up," he offered as some sort of an apology for his laughter._

"_No you're not," Ellie laughed. "But thanks for driving me anyway."_

"_No... Well, it was a problem, but not one I'd be willing to totally avoid." Jay smirked._

"_If I didn't know you were trying to get back together with Alex and that you were too loyal to Sean to hit on his fiancé, I'd think you were trying to hook up with me," Ellie joked. "By the way, how's that thing with Alex going?"_

"_She's talking to me," Jay smiled. "Which is far more than I deserve after that Emma thing. How're you and Sean?"_

"_Good," Ellie grinned. "I mean, we fight sometimes but that keeps it interesting. And don't you know that after fights, the make-ups are just-."_

"_Ok, way too much information!" Jay interrupted, making a gagging noise which was immediately followed by Ellie's laughter. Jay shook his head before adding, "But it's all good?"_

"_Yeah," Ellie nodded before turning to look out her window. "Um, Jay? Doesn't that street run the opposite way?"_

"_Huh?" Jay looked over Ellie's shoulder at the blue BMW that was currently racing alongside him. The tinted windows kept Jay from getting a look at the driver, but he was sure that anyone driving on the wrong side of the road at 2 am on a Saturday morning was either drunk, stoned, stupid, or all of the above. And Jay was not in the mood to share the road with someone like that right now._

_Jay lifted his foot off the accelerator and slowed down, hoping the drunk/stoned/stupid driver would continue at the speed he was going and eventually get farther ahead of them. But the driver slowed down until it was once again level with Jay._

"_What the fuck?" Jay whispered, speeding up a little but the BMW followed in suit. "Bastard is crazy."_

"_Jay just pull over," Ellie rolled her eyes. "He'll get bored eventually."_

"_Yeah whatever," Jay sighed before he started to pull over to the curb. "Stupid prick. Hope he crashes."_

_A bright, blinding beam of light streamed in through the windshield as a delivery truck come around the corner. The sounds of horns blaring and tires screeching filled the air as the BMW suddenly swerved out of the way of the truck and collided with the passenger side of Jay's car. _

"_Oh shit!" Jay screamed as he spun the wheel, trying to get control of the reeling car, but the speed of the BMW pushed Jay off the road. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the world turn upside down several times..._

_The light shining down on him felt like it was burning his eyes out of their sockets. A stinging pain throbbed in his forehead but before he could figure out what was causing it, a female voice filled him in._

"_Don't move. You have a deep cut on your head and if you move I'll have to start the stitches all over again. And believe me, neither one of us want that. Now can you tell me who you are?"_

"_Jay," he groaned, suddenly filled with the desire to move every inch he could. _

"_Great," the female nurse, he could tell she was a nurse now and the bright lights were coming from the fixture overhead. "Now can you tell me what happened?"_

"_Um, I was in a wreck," Jay answered. "Me and Ellie were coming back from- Oh my God. Ellie! Is she alright? The baby? Where are they? I have to call Sean."_

"_Sit still," the nurse cried as Jay accidentally ripped out the last stitch she had just put in._

"_No I have to call Sean, like now!" Jay argued. "I need a phone."_

"_You need to sit down and let me finish fixing your injuries," the nurse cried._

"_NO!" Jay yelled. "Now tell me where a goddamned phone is."_

"_Down the hall, to your left," the nurse cried. "If you pull those stitches from all your screaming, I'm going to cut your whole head off you got it?"_

"_Yeah," Jay ran down the hall and grabbed the nearest pay phone he found. He dialed Sean's apartment but after five rings, he was starting to wonder if Sean was even home._

"_Hello?" a very tired and annoyed voice filled the earpiece._

"_Sean?" Jay nearly screamed. "Holy fuck man, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. There was this car and this truck and-."_

"_Jay?" Sean's voice was much clearer now due to the evident panic in Jay's voice. "Chill man. What's wrong?"_

"_We were in a wreck," Jay answered, resting his head on the cool metal of the phone booth. "Me and Ellie. I don't... I don't know if she's okay. I don't know anything about her."_

"_Where are you?" Sean asked in a strained voice. _

_Jay looked around until he noticed the label on the side of the phone. "Rose Memorial Hospital. The address looks like it's on the outskirts of Toronto."_

_Jay heard a door slam followed by a mechanical voice saying that his call had been dropped. Jay slowly hung up the phone as the worst feeling he'd ever had filled his heart: helplessness._

* * *

AN2: I have no idea how far away Oshawa is from Toronto... I just found it on a map. Lol.

I write, you read, you review, I write more.


	5. Chapter Five

Disclaimer: SC1

AN: Sorry for the lack of updates... stupid stuff getting in the way all the time... but you don't want to hear it.

Feedback: I've been bad, I know, but... please?

AN2: Okay, so this picks up from where Jay left off last chapter...

* * *

"_This is bad. This is worse than bad. Sean's going to kill me if anything awful happens to Ellie or that baby. Fuck, I'll kill myself first! Well, maybe not, but… damn this is bad! Shit, why won't they tell me anything about Ellie? And that driver! That-" _

"_Excuse me, are you Jay Hogart?" asked a guff voice, jerking Jay out of his thoughts._

"_Um, ye-yeah," Jay stuttered, recognizing the blue uniform that was so stereotypical of police officers. Police officers, under somewhat normal circumstances, didn't bother him; hell, there were a few times when Jay's joking attitude about the law had almost gotten him arrested. But the way the officer in question held his notebook and the serious way his face was set was enough for Jay to realize that this was not a good time to push his limits._

"_May I speak with you?"_

"_Can you make it quick?" Jay found himself saying before he could catch himself. Instantly, he tried to cover up his mistake by adding, "I mean, I'm waiting for my friend so we can find out about the girl in the accident. Sir."_

"_You'll need to take a few minutes out of your time for this," the officer said. "My name is Mr. James. I need to take your statement about the wreck you were involved in tonight."_

"_I was driving Ellie back from Oshawa. We were supposed to pick up her dad but his plane got held up in Zurich and she needed to go home because… well, she's pregnant right? Can't spend the night asleep in a car. But then, this fuc- uh, this BMW came up beside us and, you know, that street goes the opposite road. I pulled over, then this other car comes over the hill and BMW runs into us… and I woke up here."_

"_The girl in the car, what is her name?" Mr. James asked._

"_Ellie Nash."_

"_Do you know the owner of the BMW?"_

"_Do I look like I know anyone who drives a BMW?" Jay snapped, but because of the withering look James gave him, he added, "No."_

"_Are you aware that, depending on what happens within the next few hours, this case may involve intoxicated manslaughter?"_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_It means that an unintentional murder while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol was committed."_

"_Ellie's- she's dead?" Jay asked, sinking into the chair behind him as a wave of shock came over him. How was he supposed to tell Sean THAT?_

"_Off the record, her condition is unstable," the officer said kindly, sensing that Jay had jumped to a wrong conclusion. "Miss Nash may or may not make it through this. It depends on the doctors and how she responds to the medicines. The child, however, had no chance of survival."_

"_What?"_

"_I'm saying that she lost the baby in the crash," the officer sighed._

"_Oh my God," Jay breathed out slowly, his eyes wide as he held his head in his hands. "This is all my fault."_

"_LET ME GO! I NEED TO SEE HER! GET THE HELL OFF ME!" _

_Jay jumped out of the chair, brushing past the stunned officer, following the panicked voice that continued to echo down the halls._

"_Sean!" Jay shouted when he finally caught sight of him attempting to wrestle his way out of the security guard's grip..._

_At the sound of his name, Sean's head jerked up and saw Jay, with a blood soaked bandage on his forehead running with a slight limp towards him. _

"_Jay!" Sean stopped struggling at the same instant the guard loosened his grip. Sean shoved the guard's arm off his shoulders and ran towards Jay, stopping inches in front of him and out of breath._

"_What the hell happened? What's going on Jay?" Sean pleaded._

"_I'm so sorry," Sean could tell Jay's face was clouded with guilt as he apologized. "Shit man, I'm so sorry. I didn't even see it coming."_

"_WHAT HAPPENED JAY?" Sean yelled, though he hadn't meant to. _

"_A truck- it hit this car and that car hit us- me and Ellie," Jay choked out. "They said Ellie- they said she lost the baby Sean. And that- and she's not- her condition's not stable. They said she might not make it."_

"_No," Sean whispered, talking to no one in particular as he shook his head. "No. No, don't do this to me. Please."_

"_Sean?" Jay said in a stronger voice, locking away his tears at the sound of Sean's broken voice. _

"_She can't die. She's all I have..."_

"Sean?" Emma asked as she walked into the kitchen. "Who was on the phone?"

"Um...," Sean stammered, taking the opportunity to hide his tears before answering. "Jay. He's getting out this weekend. He just wanted to tell me. You know, so we could get together or something."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Emma frowned. "I mean, I know you miss him, but wasn't the last time you saw him when- well, I just mean I know those memories are hard for you. I hate seeing you upset."

"And you think seeing Jay will upset me?" Sean laughed, seeing a bit of irony in that statement.

"I just think it may bring back bad memories is all," Emma said defensively. "I just want you to ask yourself if you want to go through that again."

"Shit, Emma, what kind of question is that?" Sean demanded. "Why would I _want _to go through that again?"

"I was just trying to help," Emma sighed before she left the kitchen, leaving Sean alone with his thoughts...

_Sean stared at her. She looked so small, so breakable in that hospital bed, hooked up to all of those machines. This couldn't be her. Could it? His Ellie was so strong, so independent. She didn't need help with the simple things. She didn't need help breathing. She didn't need drugs to numb away her pain. She didn't need those damned machines._

"_Els?" Sean said uncertainly. His voice sounded foreign even to him as he reached over and took her hand in his own, lacing his fingers through hers. Her fingers didn't wrap around his like the always did. She didn't smile at him as he tucked her hair behind her ear. She didn't respond at all. _

_She didn't even know he was there._

"_Els, please. Talk to me," Sean pleaded, brushing away his tears. "Just, tell me this isn't real. Please. Wake up. Ellie, please I need you to open your eyes. Just, let me see them again baby."_

_Her breath was barely a whisper and her heartbeat was steadily decreasing while Sean's tears increased with every second._

"_Please baby. Ellie just, talk to me. Don't leave me," Sean cried, burying his head in her hand. He then did something he'd never done before. He prayed._

"_God, don't let her leave. I can't do it without her. Please. Don't take her. I can... I can accept that you took my baby. Just, leave Ellie here. I need her. I- I don't think I can take another person being taken from me. She's all I have left."_

_He heard a long, continuous note fill the room as he felt her heart finally still and it was that one sound that shattered his heart into a thousand pieces. He felt a strong pair of hands pull at his shoulders, pulling him away…_

"Sean!" Emma asked softly when she noticed the tear tracks on his cheeks, the whistling tea pot long forgotten. "Oh my God, Sean, what's wrong?"

Sean shook his head and brought his hands up to wipe away his tears but before they could reach his cheeks, Emma's soft hands caught them in her own. Her bright eyes were shining with concern.

"Sean, talk to me," Emma pleaded.

Sean simply shook his head again and looked away. He couldn't explain this to her, even if he did try. He didn't understand it himself, the hold Ellie still held on him; how could he possibly explain it to Emma in way that she didn't end up thinking she entered this marriage ranking second place in his heart, which was not true, he knew. How could he tell her that the life she wanted so desperately with him was the same one he had hoped for with someone else… a dead someone else no less. How the fuck was he supposed to say something like that to her?

"Sean, you have to let me in," Emma said sadly, recognizing the pained closed off look in his eyes. "I love you. Given the chance, I would love everything about you. But you won't let me. Please, Sean, tell me what's wrong."

"I just..." Sean choked, his voice raspy. "I was thinking… you were right."

"About what?" Emma's eyebrow quirked up. This was certainly unexpected; her husband was crying the kitchen because she was right?

"This apartment; it's too big," Sean breathed out slowly. "It's just… I miss her, you know. And this was mine and Ellie's place. But she's… we need a place of our own. I guess… I guess it just hit me really hard. The fact that... that it's just over for me here."

"That's what this is about?" Emma fought the urge to laugh. Here she was so worried that something horrible had happened, and he was afraid of moving.

But that wasn't it; Emma knew. He was afraid of losing _her._ An uncomfortable feeling in her heart made its presence known once again, but Emma was the master of manipulating her feelings, and she suppressed it without little more than a second glance.

"Yeah," Sean nodded as he forced a weak smile onto his face. "Kind of stupid."

"No," Emma shook her head, running her fingers through his hair. "It's always hard letting go."

"Yeah, I guess it is," Sean agreed. He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Emma's cheek and pulled her into a deep hug before he stood up from the chair. "Thanks Em."

* * *

AN3: I WANNA CRY! (for the Ellie dying… and having to write that! points above eck!) I THINK I ACTUALLY MIGHT! You know, JK Rowling cried when she killed Sirius Black, so I'm going to cry too!

AN4: Okay, enough with the drama. The effect I was going for is about halfway through that long memory, Sean picks it up, starting from when he starts yelling... let me know if it worked because I wasn't quite sure how to do it. If it DIDN'T, let me know so I can work on re-doing the chapter.


	6. Chapter Six

Disclaimer: SC1.

AN: HA! Go me! It's only been… 1 month and 11 days since my last update! See, I'm getting better, yeah? Anyway, enjoy! And I have a real reason for the delay this time! It's called, writer's block! And that happened because I needed a little something more in Chapter 5 so I fixed that little problem.

AN2: To those who've read my other two stories, it's clear that the only main characters I've used are Sean and Ellie. I know these two (almost literally), so I can write them pretty well, I think (at least I've had no complaints). BUT I've had one or two people tell me that Jay is OOC. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, but now I'm going to ask you to fix it. Because OOC gets on my nerves and I don't want to be bugging anyone with OOC characters. So help me fix it. That goes for anyone else you feel is OOC. Thanks!

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"So I thought maybe we cold go looking for an apartment today," Emma suggested as she sauntered into the kitchen and began making herself a pot of herbal tea. "I mean, I've seen a few I liked while I was working on the new homeless program, but I don't know what you're looking for. So what do you think? Go out to lunch, then look around? I think we should look on the upper side of town-."

"Emma, it's Saturday," Sean chuckled. "I'm going to get Jay remember?"

"Oh," Emma blushed slightly. "I guess I forgot. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Sean shrugged as he pulled his boot on before muttering, "I didn't expect you to remember."

"Excuse me?" Emma cried. "What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing, nothing," Sean answered quickly. "Just that you've had other things on your mind also. Like that homeless thing and an apartment and besides, you and Jay, well you're not his biggest fan."

"I like Jay well enough," Emma said defensively.

"Yeah I know you put up with him," Sean laughed. "And you told me about that thing after I left, but really, since then, have you said two words to him? I mean ones that you didn't have to say."

"It's kind of awkward for me, I'll admit," Emma sighed.

"See?" Sean arched his eyebrow at her as he pulled on his jacket. "I'll be home late. Jay wants to go out after he's out."

"Well, why don't I just come with you?" Emma asked, then, due to the look of disbelief on Sean's face, added, "What? Come on, it'll be fun!"

"I don't know," Sean said with a bit or worry. "I mean, Jay already said he wants to hit a bar and you know, Alex is going to be there too. You just said Jay is awkward so…"

"I want to come," Emma insisted. "Besides, I might end up having to drive all of you back home."

"This is going to be interesting," Sean muttered as he slammed the door. Thankfully, Emma was already halfway in the car and out of earshot and didn't hear that one.

With the exception of a semi-argument before they had even left the parking lot, the ride to Toronto State Prison was enjoyable. Sean couldn't really remember the last time he'd been so at ease with Emma. He'd forgotten how she could make him laugh and smile. And honestly, he needed to smile. He needed to be able to make someone else smile too.

"So are Alex and Jay back together?" Emma wondered aloud.

"I'm not actually sure," Sean laughed. "I know they were messing with the idea before he got locked up, but I'm not sure if they ever did end up dating again."

"You had other things to deal with then though," Emma said sadly.

"Yeah," Sean agreed. "I guess I did…"

"_Oh my God!" Sean cried gasped, nothing but dry air reaching his lungs. He had long since stopped crying; his pain too deep for the drop of water to show. "Why? Why is this happening to me? To her!"_

_His closest friend looked at him in sorrow. For once in his life, Jay had nothing to say; nothing to offer, not even to his best friend. The only thing Jay could do was pull the grieving man into his arms and hold him as he sobbed into his shoulder. When Sean fell to his knees, Jay fell with him. Sean knew that Jay was holding his tears; he would cry later…_

"Sean, we're here," Emma tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to the tall grey gates that opened to the entrance of the Toronto State Prison. Through the first layer or grey fencing, Sean could make out a tall figure slipping on his dark blue baseball cap on backwards.

"Cameron!" Jay shouted the instant he saw Sean step towards the fence. "Is that you? You look different!"

"And you look the same," Sean exclaimed as Jay stepped out. He reached out and pulled his friend into a tight hug which Jay returned.

"Well, if it isn't Green Peace?" Jay smirked Emma's way. "How's it going? Are the whales still beaching themselves because Europeans throw their trash in the ocean?"

"Very funny," Emma retorted. "And actually, yes."

"Good to see you again too," Jay laughed, giving Emma a brief hug.

"You're just saying that because I came with Sean."

"No seriously," Jay shook his head. "Anyone I know is a good person to see. Yourself included."

"Oh, I'm so honored," Emma laughed.

"Where's Alex?" Sean wondered. "I figured she'd be her by now."

"I don't know," Jay shrugged. "She probably decided not to come. You remember that time when she was going to change her English class to another period? And she ended up forgetting to change it but she went to the one she was going to change it too? Yeah, she was always weird like that."

"I'm feeling the love Jay," a sharp, sarcastic voice startled Jay from behind, causing both Sean and Emma to laugh as Jay turned around to face a smirking Alex. "And I wonder why I ever broke up with you."

"Come on Lexxi," Jay laughed as he threw his arms around her in a tight hug. "You know I love you."

"Yeah, yeah," Alex laughed, placing a small kiss on Jay's cheek. "I love you too. So, where to?"

Fifteen minutes later that consisted mainly of Alex and Jay arguing over who got to drive - Jay won by playing the I-Just-Got-Out-Of-Jail card - the group of four found themselves in a bar in downtown Toronto.

"They're true, you know," Jay laughed. "All those horror stories you hear about jail. Evil wardens, idiot guards, and faggot cellmates."

"I thought there was something different about you," Sean joked. "I mean, I've never seen you hug people so many times in one day."

"Shut the hell up Cameron," Jay yelled, throwing a spoon at Sean's head. "I can still kick your ass and you know it."

"You could never kick my ass!" Sean laughed, rubbing the spot where the spoon had hit him. "You even said so yourself!"

"You couldn't kick Sean's ass." Alex agreed, and then chuckled at Jay's defeated look before she went back to playing with the hairs on the back of Jay's neck.

"Well, I can kick _someone's_ ass," Jay grumbled. "I mean, that's why I ended up in that hell hole anyway. I don't regret it though…"

"_Who was the driver?" Sean mumbled, the last of the sedative the nurses had given him wearing off. He was still groggy; it almost felt like he was drunk. "I don't know anything about the guy who killed my fiancé. Is that natural?"_

"_Come on Sean," Jay groaned as he stood up and his head started swimming from lack of sleep and emotional wear. "Let's get out of here."_

"_Whatever," Sean asked moodily. "I don't care anymore…"_

"_You're free to go Mr. Robbins," Jay heard over Sean's rambling and saw a bruised man with his arm in a sling being escorted out of the building by two nurses. "Take these in twelve hours if the pain comes back and be sure to come back in two weeks for a follow up."_

_The man flipped his dark blonde hair out of his eyes before turning around and attempted to walk out of the emergency room, only to be stopped by the same officer who had interrogated Jay._

"_Mr. Robbins, may I speak with you now about the accident?" Officer James asked with annoyance in his voice._

"_I told you already," Robbins answered with a sneer. "When I have a lawyer ready, you'll get your exclusive. Who cares anyway? It was a wreck; happens all the time."_

"_The girl in the other car died three hours ago," James replied. "This case has gotten more serious than a simple car wreck."_

"_I don't give a shit," Robbins shrugged. "I didn't know her. Besides, from what I heard, she was a knocked up high-schooler. I just did the folks who work at welfare a favor. One less to worry about, you know."_

_Officer James shook his head sadly as Robbins pushed his way past him and out the sliding glass Emergency Room entrance doors without even taking note of the furious man who had heard every word._

_Jay ran out the doors after Robbins, ignoring Sean's question as to where he was going and seeing red. Jay stumbled around the corner and searched the lot for the other man, finally spotting him on a bench inside the non-smoking area smoking a cigarette._

"_Hey, got a light?" Jay growled and then a split second later, his fist connected with the right side of Robbins face. _

"_What the hell?" Robbins yelled, ducking another swing from Jay. "What is your problem?"_

"_You fucking killed her!" Jay shouted as he tackled Robbins to the ground._

_Jay rammed his fist into Robbins's face again, before Robbins kicked him off and threw his first punch, landing it in Jay's ribs. Jay kneeled down to the ground and groaned as he felt a fire jet up his side. Robbins stood up and another stream of fire slashed its way across Jay's stomach; a result of the kick in the kidney he'd just received._

"_Who the hell are you talking about?" Robbins asked before pulling back for another kick. Jay caught his swinging foot and pulled Robbins down back onto the ground. His head hit the pavement with a resounding crack as Jay moved to straddle the man._

"_Were you drunk?" Jay asked, punching his face again. "Or high? Or just stupid? Answer me you stupid fuck."_

"_It was an accident," Robbins muttered, still dazed from the contact with the ground. "You were there I take it? Are you that whore's boyfriend?"_

_Jay smashed his foot down onto Robbins's slinged arm and sound of bone crunching filled the air along with screams of pain from Robbins. Jay kicked him in the kidney and then the ribs again for good measure. _

"_Why did you do it?" Jay demanded._

"_I was looking for a good time," Robbins laughed thickly; his mouth full of blood._

"_That's your excuse for ruining three lives?" Jay snarled, stepping forcefully on Robbins's left knee. It snapped all the way back which elicited another blood-curling scream from the victim. "She's dead, you bastard. Her baby's dead! And her fiancé, he has to live a broken life and all you have to say is you just wanted a good time?"_

_Jay squatted down in front of the blood covered Robbins, and the mere sight of the man's smirk was enough for another wave of hatred to wash over Jay. One more well aimed kick to the head knocked Robbins unconscious. Jay's breathing was ragged as he turned to face three police officers with their guns out and another two holding a struggling Sean back._

"_Evening officers," Jay greeted, placing his hand on top of his heads..._

"I still can't believe it," Alex said disgustedly. "How could they convict you for assault and not even open a case against Robbins for… well, for what he did."

"Money says a lot," Emma answered.

"Sean!" Jay snapped his fingers in front of Sean's face before whispering. "You okay man?"

"Yeah," Sean nodded slowly. "I guess. Just tired."

"Yeah, I think we should be getting back home," Emma agreed. "We have to get up early tomorrow and look for apartments."

"Are you moving?" Jay asked, slightly confused.

"Yeah, we decided that our big apartment was insensible for our needs at the moment," Emma explained. A ringing filled the air and Emma fumbled in her pocket before excusing herself to take the call.

"Sean, I thought you said you were planning to live there as long as you could," Jay said. "This just sounds like you're tired of it."

"It's not that," Sean shook his head. "It's just… like Emma said, it's too big for just the two of us. Besides, it's getting hard staying there."

"Yeah, I guess," Jay said quietly. "You did get it for Ellie."

"Mostly yeah," Sean nodded. "Jay, I miss her. I think I'm always going to miss her. And I'm always going to love her. But staying there when I'm with Emma… it all feels so wrong. Just… it just feels wrong."

"Took you long enough," Alex sighed. "I've been saying that since she moved in with you a year ago. It was yours and Ellie's place. Any other woman in it would feel wrong. Hell, I'll go as far as to say that any other woman _with_ you feels wrong. Am I right?"

"Alex, drop it," Jay snapped.

"I'm just talking," Alex shrugged.

"Yeah, too much of it," Jay retorted.

"Sean, I've got a problem at the office and I need to go," Emma breathed heavily as she rushed back to the table. "Are you coming later?"

"No, I'll drive you there," Sean answered, throwing on his jacket and stalking off from the table. "See you later Jay."

* * *

AN3: Am I making Emma too insensitive? I'm not sure but when I read over it, it just sounds kind of like that and that's honestly not what I'm attempting to do. AND, I can't write fight scenes so… forgive that horrible piece of literature that just passed from me to you. 


	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: SC1

AN: So, I've been working my ass off for the last month trying to pass Pre-Cal. I'm mathematically deficient so it was not an easy task. In fact, I should be working on my graph work right now but I felt so bad about abandoning all of you that I felt like I had to update for you. So, here's an update. It's not the best, but it's more Behind the Static.

Feedback: Please?

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"You know, I didn't believe you when you told me two weeks ago that you were ditching this place," Jay said idly before groaning as he struggled to pull a heavy wooden chest off the shelf in the guestroom closet. " 'Cause I just figured you were drunk off your ass."

"No, I think that was Alex," Sean laughed as he came up behind Jay and caught the falling end before it hit the floor.

"Nope, that was Alex sober. You don't want to know half of the stuff she says drunk," Jay joked, setting the chest down with a loud bang. He used the sleeve of his jacket to wipe the sweat off his brow before he led the conversation towards a more serious tone.

"She's sorry, you know? About what she said."

"What, she didn't mean it?" Sean scoffed, not believing Alex could be insincere about anything.

"You know as well as I do that Alex means everything she says," Jay replied, agreeing with Sean's unspoken assessment. "She just… she really hates the way it came out sounding. It was harsh."

"Yeah," Sean responded without really offering any type of answer. "How're you and Alex doing anyway? Everything okay?"

The sudden change of subject was not lost on Jay, but he went with the shift as if he hadn't noticed anything. "Yeah, everything's good; really good. Better than ever, actually. It's like ever since I got out of jail, she's been better. We've been better."

"Why's that?"

"Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's because we couldn't be together while I was in jail," Jay shrugged as his face scrunched up, trying to figure out why for himself, "almost like, that made us want to be together; all because we couldn't be. I think that's what she meant anyway. She confuses me sometimes."

"You're confusing me," Sean laughed.

"She said she never really had to miss me before I was in jail and away from her; really away from her, not just broken-up or something. And she took the time before I got locked up for granted. So, when I wasn't there anymore, you know, there was something to miss. And that made her want me with her all the time, especially when I couldn't be. When I got out of jail, she got me back; she says she wants to make sure she'll never have to miss me like that again," Jay shrugged again and added, "see? It's confusing."

Sean shook his head slowly…

"_So, you're really back?" Ellie questioned him for the fiftieth time that night. "For good? And you're going back to school, and you still want me? To live with you right?"_

"_Yes Els," Sean chuckled, resting his hands on each of her knees. "I want to come back but only if you'll have me. You're the reason I came back from Wasaga in the first place."_

"_I thought you said it was because you needed to deal with the Rick thing in Toronto."_

"_Fine, one of the only two reasons, and definitely the first one," Sean reassured her. "Now, will you let me move back in?"_

"_You never know what you have until it's gone" Ellie muttered, a sad smile appearing on her face._

"_What?"_

"_You left me Sean," Ellie breathed slowly. "And it was then that I realized how much I loved you. But you were gone, and I was so angry for the longest time. But now, you're back. And you've really tried to prove that you're here to stay, but I don't know if I can believe that."_

_Sean slid his hands off Ellie's knees and hung his head, staring down at the dirty carpet he sat on._ 'It's really over, isn't it?'_ Sean thought to himself. A soft caring hand pushed his chin off of his chest and up so he could look into a pair of clear green eyes. _

_Ellie made sure Sean could see her before going on, "I don't know if I can believe you won't have to leave again. But I can trust this: I know I love you. And I believe you love me-."_

"_I do-."_

_Ellie placed a finger over Sean's lips, hushing his reply. "Ands because I know that, I know what I have in you. I know what I have now. I'm not letting that go again Sean Cameron…"_

"Don't let it go Jay," Sean whispered, pulling himself out of his reverie.

"Don't let what go?"

"You second chance," Sean smiled sadly. "Alex was trying to tell you that she didn't realize you meant so much to her. You're really lucky man. You have a second chance to show her you love her. Don't let it go. You'll regret it."

Jay nodded slowly. He watched as Sean started pushing the chest across the room and came to rest in front of the bed. Sean sat heavily down heavily on the bed, fiddling with the latches that held the chest shut, but not really intending to open it.

'_He looks too old for 21,'_ Jay thought suddenly, taking in the dark, sad look haunting Sean's eyes. His slumping posture, his cheerless smile, his worn-out expression; everything about Sean radiated a sense of something old. _'I knew he looked different at the prison. Now I know why.'_

"Sean, do you love Emma?"

Sean looked up from the chest with a startled expression in his eyes and etched all over his features. "What the hell kind of question is that? She's my wife, of course I do."

"Like you love Ellie?"

Sean opened his mouth to reply, but closed it a moment later, a thoughtful look washing over his face. After a minute of silence, he felt ready to answer.

"I love Emma," Sean repeated. "I know I love her, but… do I love her like Ellie? No. I don't think I do. I can't love anyone like Ellie. She was… I don't know, Ellie was just different and no one is going to be able to change how I felt and still feel about her. But now I have Emma. I always try to remind myself that Ellie is my past and Emma is who I love now, but sometimes… that line gets blurry."

Sean began laughing and the harsh, bitter sound filled the room. Jay stared at his best friend with slight surprise, but before he could say anything, Sean stopped laughing and whispered:

"I think there's something wrong with me."

Jay, now at a complete loss for words, something had happened to him only a few times before, stood up off the floor slowly and walked over to the chest, pulling it away from Sean.

"Let's just, um," Jay stuttered, kicking the chest lightly. "Let's get this out in the hall with the rest of the stuff."

Sean nodded, throwing an appreciative smile Jay's way just as they both heard a door slam and footsteps stomping down the aforementioned hall. Emma's wild blonde hair flew past the guestroom, not even registering the fact that her husband and his best friends were holding a large chest in their hands.

"Em!" Sean yelled, casting a look towards Jay that hopefully said 'be careful, she's mad' to him as she whirled around and came storming into the room, throwing her purse forcefully at the wall.

"What's wrong with Green Peace?" Jay asked Sean.

When Emma reeled around and fixed Jay with her should-be patented death glare, Sean realized that his silent warning hadn't registered on Jay and he had some serious damage control to initiate before Emma started railing into Jay.

"Emma, did something happen at work?" Sean said quickly.

"No, work's fine!" Emma screeched. "Our apartment is not!"

"What do you mean?" Sean asked.

"Mr. Perry, the guy who's renting out the apartment we want downtown says that he got a better offer! And that unless we can match it, we can't have it!" Emma screamed in one breath. "And this is after I told him we were ready to sign the papers and make a payment and move in next month! Then he up and decides that it'd be fun to screw us over! That… that jerk!"

Jay dropped his end of the chest as he struggled to contain his laughter over Emma's disheveled state and her hysterical outburst that was all because of a lost apartment. Apparently he wasn't all too successful because, despite Sean's attempts to distract her, Emma started interrogating him.

"You think this is funny?" Emma shrieked, her mouth gaping with disbelief. "He thinks this is funny! The broke, un-employed idiot who free-loads a place out of his girlfriend thinks this is funny! This is unbelievable! Sean!"

"What?" Sean snapped, drawing her anger away from Jay and keeping Jay from spitting out the rude comment Sean could practically see trying to jump off his tongue. "Em, it's just an apartment."

"Just an apartment!" Emma laughed accusingly. "Like this is just an apartment! Need I remind you that you're the one who made such a big deal about moving out of 'just an apartment'? I guess I do, you have enough memories floating around this place. Too many since you can't even make room for a few with me! No, they all have to be of your dead lover. Jesus, Sean."

Sean lowered his eyes, hiding the tears welling up in his heart as Emma continued to rant.

"Yeah, I found that box you'd hidden away in back of your drawer; the one with all her letters to you while you were in Wasaga, and her ring, and her pictures, and all that other crap. And that stupid cutting kit of hers with her freaky razors with your name all over them...

"_Ellie?" Sean said softly, eyeing the gleaming razor she held up in front of her face with her left hand. From Sean's position at the door, he couldn't tell if the razor had blood on it or if that dark spot was a shadow falling across the dimly lit kitchen._

"_I didn't do it, Sean," Ellie whispered as Sean kneeled in front of her and started carefully looking over her arms for new cuts. "I wanted to. My mom, she showed up at the studio today. She was screaming at me, demanding to know who I could let a piece of trailer trash shit knock me up and convince me he was good enough for me. And I just… I want so bad to cry, but I couldn't. I was going to… to cut, but you wouldn't let me."_

"_What do you mean?" Sean whispered into Ellie's hair as he pulled her close to him and gently rested her head on his shoulder. Ellie slipped the razor into his hand and pointed to the surface of the thin strip of metal. Etched into the exterior was his name in black ink. He looked over at her broken CD case where she kept all her razors and realized that his name was printed onto several other razors. Other razors had other names like 'DAD' and 'BABY' and 'MARCO'._

_Sensing his confusion, Ellie offered a softly-spoken explanation, "I wrote the most important things on my razors so that maybe, I'd seen them and they'd make me not want to cut. And most times it works. Sometimes it doesn't because I'll pull a name that wasn't strong enough or that person was causing me to do it in the first place. That's why the very most important persons have the most razors. That's why you have the most… you always stop me. I'm so sorry, Sean. You probably think I'm a horrible freak now."_

"_I think," Sean said carefully, "I think you are amazing. And beautiful. And definitely not a freak…"_

"Honestly, what kind of freak hurts themselves like that on purpose? And another thing-."

"Shut the fuck up Emma!" Sean yelled, snapping his head up to glare at Emma. She took an unconscious step back before Sean rushed over to his dresser, throwing out a few pairs of jeans. He unearthed an old shoebox, pulled it out of the drawer, and turned it upside down and watched as the various contents flew down towards the floor.

"This is my business!" Sean snapped, gesturing towards the mess on the floor. "And you have no claim on it. You had no part in this part of my life when it was happening and I'll be damned if you try to have a part in it now. This part, this piece of my life is over Emma. You are not going to screw it up!"

Sean threw the now empty shoebox on the ground and a hollow thud was the only sound in the room. Emma stood with a hand over her mouth and a horrified look in hers eyes as she realized exactly the effect her careless words had affected her husband. Sean stood in the middle of the room surrounded by his memories, breathing deeply and harshly as he fought back the volatile mixture of sad, hurt, and angry tears.

A shuffle of feet finally breached the tense silence as Jay walked towards the scattered pictures and dropped to his knees, picking up the first one he saw. The glossy smiles on Sean and Ellie's faces that the photograph depicted were almost enough to bring him to tears himself when he realized for the second time that day that only three years ago, his best friend could smile like he didn't have a care in the world. Now, his smile seemed sad. Every time, it was so sad.

Sean dropped to his knees and shakily picked up to velvet jewelry box where he knew her ring rested safely. He pulled the old shoebox towards him and carefully placed the ring in the far corner, before turning to pick up Ellie's old razors.

"Sean," Emma whispered, slowly taking her hand away from her mouth. "Sean, I am so so sor-."

"I think you should go Emma," Jay whispered back sternly, a cold band of ice flashing in his blue eyes. Emma didn't even bother arguing as she ran out of the room crying.

Jay shook his head as he felt a heavy feeling settle itself on his shoulders and piercing his very heart. That whole situation had gotten so out of control and the only thing he did was watch it play out. And the only thing he got out of it was the fact that his best friend was hurting far more that Jay ever imagined. And, Jay realized, he couldn't blame it Emma, even though that would be the easiest thing to do. He couldn't blame it on Ellie or Sean or Robbins… not even himself. Sean's pain was bigger than all of them.

When there is nothing left to blame, that's when the cold truth of reality sets in; the truth that sometimes, awful things happen to good people for no reason and no reason at all.

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AN: So, it's not the best, but it kind of pushes things along a bit. It was kind of hard to write because I wasn't sure how I wanted Sean to react, but I hate Emma's Wimp Sean so he had to have some kind of reaction to this. Jay is, in a way, turning into a different character from what we know of him on show. But we don't know much about him so, for all we know, this could be exactly like him. I personally am ecstatic about the way Jay is coming along, and also about how this story is turning out. I hope you enjoy it because if you don't, it's completely worthless…

**To All My Reviewers: **(since I'm not supposed to reply to you) THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL! And to the one who ask, yes, Sean left for Wasaga in this story. If you'd like to see how I brought him back in my perfect Sellie-Vision, go read my story **Strength At Its Weakest**. (shameless self-advertisement).


	8. Chapter Eight

Disclaimer: SC1

AN: Okay, I am without a doubt the worst updater on this site. I chalk that up to the fact that my last chapter only got 5 reviews. This time, I'm going to give you guys a fair warning. I HAVE OFFICIALLY FAILED PRE-CAL. Yeah, so, depending on if I get grounded or not, I may very well not update for a full three months after this. I'm sorry. I really am because I hate waiting for the fanfics I'm reading to get updated. So, don't hate me forever.

AN2: I want to thank EvaBlue for her review, because when I actually got the time to write out this chapter, a lot of what she said inspired me and I feel it is going to help me help you guys get what I intended out of this story... ALSO, I want to dedicate this to one of my very best friends Alicia. Not ONLY has she let me bounce my crazy ideas off her everyday in Spanish, she helped me get over my writer's block for this chapter and gave me the idea to have Emma wake up in her office... I heart you Licia!

Feedback: I swore I wasn't going to beg but… please!

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Emma woke up and was immediately greeted with a severe ache in her back that sent laces of discomfort down through her long legs, which were entangled in the jade green throw that accented her chocolate brown couch perfectly. She placed her feet on the thinly carpeted floor, stretching out as best she could and staring out the window, barely glancing at the view of the park she'd become so accustomed to seeing when she looked out her office window.

She shook her head slowly as she thought back to the fiasco that had taken place last night between her and her husband. A wave of sadness and guilt washed over her and threatened to erupt into a bought of tears, but Emma fought them back as she tried to force herself to think clearly. But her emotions won over her rational side as she flung herself back down onto the couch, face down.

"Ugh, why did I say those things?" Emma groaned helplessly as Sean's angry voice filled her head. "It was so stupid! Stupid Emma."

She sighed as she lifted her head up to rest on the arm of the couch. From her position on the couch, she could see a picture of her and Sean at their wedding reception. She studied it carefully, as if all her answers could be found in the 4 x 6 glossy print. But in reality, she didn't even know what her questions were. So she continued staring into the photograph, focusing on Sean's happy face…

"_I'm glad we did this," Sean smiled at Emma as he settled himself on the beach, playing with the sand between his fingers. "Really glad."_

"_Well, with all that's been going on, I just figured you could use a day out of the house," Emma shrugged, dropping her shoes to the ground as she sat next to Sean, close enough to touch, but not enough to imply that they were anything other than friends. _

"_Yeah, I did," Sean agreed, nodding his head slightly. "I mean, I've been so caught up in Jay's trial, and Robbins', and with Ellie's… you know. This past year has been so crazy; I guess I forgot how to relax."_

"_That's what I'm here for," Emma said somewhat sadly._

"_I miss her Em," Sean whispered. "But… I need to let go right? I mean, that's what everyone keeps telling me; that I need to move on with my life, find someone new, keep living. It's just… hard. Because no matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll ever forget her."_

"_She's not meant to forget Sean," Emma interjected. "She's always going to be in your heart. There's always going to be something that beats for her deep inside you. And that's okay, I guess. What everyone means is that maybe you should open yourself up to someone else; close off the part you have Ellie in and let someone else in."_

"_Kind of like I did with you," Sean sighed, crossing his arms and letting them rest on his knees as he stared out into the flowing ocean. "You probably don't know this but, when we broke up that last time, it really hurt me, even though I was the one who broke up with you. But still, it did hurt because I loved you. You were… God, you always seemed so perfect for me and then it was over so suddenly, by my choice. I was ashamed of that, I guess, so I figured there was no way we could ever get back together. But I knew that I had fallen in love with you; I knew you were always going to be my first love. When I stated going out with Ellie, she understood that she was never going to be able to touch that. And she never tried to. I just… I guess now I just need to find someone who would understand about Ellie."_

Emma sighed heavily as she shook away her memories. Her head jerked up as the sharp knock on the door startled her, causing her to nearly fall off the couch. She straightened herself up, sitting up properly on the couch, and smoothing out her hair and clothing as best she could as a short, curvy figure dressed in a thigh-length, strapless black summer dress sauntered into the office and set down a folder on Emma's desk.

"Hey Manny," Emma greeted, still trying to finger-brush her hair.

Manny twirled around, nearly tripping over her heels, but steady herself by grabbing hold of the desk behind her. Emma laughed as Manny placed a hand over her heart, breathing a sigh of relief when she recognized the person sitting in the couch.

"Jesus Emma," Manny exclaimed, still leaning against the desk. "You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing here so early? It's only 6:30."

"6:30! What are you doing here this early?"

"I'm always here this early," Manny shrugged. "You were so nice letting me have this job and letting me off whenever I have an audition that I always come in early and try to catch up on the work I miss or whatever."

"How did your audition go yesterday anyway?" Emma questioned, sincerely hoping that because of her best friend's scatter-brained nature, Manny would forget that Emma was sitting the office at 6:30 in the morning and in yesterday's clothes no less.

"Oh it was great!" Manny squealed, settling herself down on the couch, surrounded by a glow of excitement. "I think it was my best one; partly because I felt like I really knew how to portray it. The scene I had to read, it was about a girl who was getting kicked out by her mother and since that happened with me and my dad and well you know… wait, I know what you're doing. Answer my question! What are you doing here?"

Emma laughed weakly as she leaned back onto the couch and rested her head on Manny's shoulder.

"Sean and I kind of got into a fight last night."

"Oh, sweetie, what happened?"

"I came home and I was really pissed," Emma stated. "You see, we lost the apartment we were looking at because the manager decided to take a better offer, which granted, from a business standpoint, was the smart thing to do. But whatever, I didn't think of that. And when I got home, and I saw all the boxes and Sean and Jay in the guest room with a huge trunk, I just lost it. And I started yelling at Sean, Jay started laughing at me, I started yelling at Jay, Sean started yelling at me, I said something about Ellie and Sean, and he yelled some more and looked like he was about to cry, then Jay said I should probably leave, so I did."

"Jay told you to leave your own house?" Manny asked with a joking smile on her face.

"Manny, not the point!" Emma chuckled. "I stayed here all night, just thinking about it and about what I said to him, especially the parts about Ellie. I hate it when my mouth runs away with me. Someone always gets hurt."

"Well, what did you say exactly?"

"Exactly?" Emma thought carefully when Manny nodded her head. "I said… well it really started when Sean said that the apartment we'd just lost was 'just an apartment' and then I screamed something about if I needed to remind him about how he made a big deal out of moving out of 'just an apartment'. And then I said… I said something about how he only remembers Ellie… and somehow I got onto the subject of her cutting-."

"EMMA!"

"I know! It was so stupid!" Emma groaned, jumping up from the couch. "I mean, I don't even know why I started in on that! I knew how Sean would react because it was such a hard thing on both of them. He really lost it when I said, and I quote, 'Honestly, what kind of freak hurts themselves like that on purpose?' Oh, Manny shoot me."

"I don't really know what to say," Manny said softly as Emma flopped back down on the couch. "I mean, I'm really sorry you guys were in a fight, but what you said, it was harsh."

"I know that Manny," Emma said sadly. "I didn't even tell you about the… the box. I found this old Doc Marten shoebox in the bottom of one of Sean's drawers. I was looking for my shorts and I thought that maybe it had gotten mixed up in his laundry… that's not the point. The point is I looked in the box. And in it was like… this mini shrine to Ellie.

"It had all these pictures in it from when they were together. There was the one that was so sweet and loving… he was standing behind her with his arms around her, holding her hands in his own in front of her. His face was buried in her shoulder and she had this beautiful smile on her face and she looked so happy with her eyes shining… and I remember feeling jealous. He never held me like that before.

"And then, there were letters. I didn't read them, but they were addressed to him while he was in Wasaga so I'm pretty sure I kind of know what they said. Her razors were there too. They had Sean's name on them… don't ask me why. I don't know. It just bothered me that he had kept all that stuff. He even still has her engagement ring in there. Right there, in the back of his bottom drawer."

"Well you still have those mix CD's Chris gave you," Manny pointed out. "And that bracelet you got in the ravine from Jay. And you have pictures of Peter still scattered around."

"That's… that's different," Emma stammered.

"Not really," Manny shook her head. "I mean, they're both reminders of past relationships."

"I wasn't in love with Chris or Jay or Peter."

"So that's what this is about," Manny smiled smugly. "You're angry at Sean because he loved someone that wasn't you, his wife. Em, you went into this relationship with Sean knowing _everything _about their relationship. You knew how much he was in love with her and how much she meant to him. You told me that you could live with that because you knew better than to try to invade that part of his life. But… that's what you did when you looked into that box. You weren't a part of that and when you tried to make yourself apart of that… that's what he was angry about."

"I wasn't trying to belittle his relationship with her," Emma cried in defense. "That didn't even cross my mind."

"You said you got jealous."

"I did but-."

"But nothing," Manny interrupted. "I know exactly how you feel. I went through this with Craig and Ash. You're mad that you don't have his whole heart."

Emma felt the tears well up in her eyes as Manny pulled her into a deep hug, and Emma knew she was right. It wasn't Sean she was truly angry at; it was the fact that there was a part of him closed off to her.

"I thought I understood that Manny," Emma sniffled. "A little more than a year after Ellie died, Sean said almost that exact same thing. He said there was a part of him that Ellie couldn't have and that was me because I was his first love. She understood that and became his greatest love. I can't equal that. It's not fair. I can't compete with her."

"He's not asking you to compete with her," Manny said compassionately. "He doesn't see you as a last resort. He even told you that you have a place in his heart. Sean wouldn't marry you if he didn't. He just wants you Emma. He wants you with him now, not in the past, you know?"

"Yeah, kind of," Emma choked out. "It's just so hard."

"Yeah baby, it is," Manny agreed. "Now, I'm going to find something in your size at the store across the street. You fix your makeup; you're starting to look like The Crow."

Emma laughed as she glanced over and saw her smudged mascara running in lines down her naturally pale face in her reflection. Manny gave her a final hug and scampered off with her purse, swinging it happily by the handles.

Emma worked at getting rid of the streaky black mess off her cheeks, managing to remove most of it and covering the bits she couldn't work out with base and blush. She found a brush in Manny's desk and pulled her newly brushed hair into a ponytail gathered at the nape of her neck. The wrinkles had mostly worked themselves straight. All in all, she felt presentable. But she still wanted to change clothes; it felt weird wearing the same outfit two days in a row.

She heard the door click open as she was redoing a bit of eyeliner that had gotten smudge and assumed it was Manny back with some clothes. She placed the eyeliner down and turned around to see, not Manny as she had expected, but Jay sitting on her desk and inspecting the contents of a clothing bag.

"Manny has some great taste," Jay chuckled, rummaging around the bag. "I haven't seen you in a mini-skirt in… ever, actually."

"She did not!" Emma shrieked, disturbed at the prospect of wearing a short skirt around the office.

"I'm joking," Jay laughed, throwing the bag at Emma. "Long blue jeans, a green tank top, and a white button-up polo, girl's style; it's classic Emma Nelson."

"Emma Cameron," Emma corrected.

"Wait, you actually took his name?" Jay asked, having never realized that. With a slight glare and a nod from Emma, he continued. "I just figured you being the way you are, you'd be one the ones who'd insist on going by Nelson-Cameron."

"Yeah well, you would have been wrong in any case so, whatever," Emma shrugged. "What are you doing here?

Jay stayed silent for a moment, swinging his legs off her desk before jumping down and leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room from Emma.

"I was hoping I could talk to you Emma," Jay admitted. "Civilly."

"It must be important," Emma commented. "You haven't called me Green Peace since you've been here."

"It is. So can I? It's about Sean."

"Sean? Is something wrong?"

"Well, he was pretty upset last night. I was there until about 2 o'clock," Jay sighed, playing with a plant that sat on the file cabinet next to him. "He kept saying that he didn't mean to blow up at you like that and he wanted you to come back so he could apologize. But if you ask me, he needed to say that to you. He needed to get it out of his system."

"What do you mean?" Emma asked.

Jay looked around, somewhat uncomfortably as he struggled to find the right way to say what he needed to say. He knew Emma got defensive when she felt like she was being attacked and the last thing he wanted was for her to close him off from her.

"Okay, um, first off, he didn't ask me to come down here and say this to you because in no way at all does he even know I'm here," Jay said in a hurried start. "But he misses her Emma. He really _really _misses Ellie. She was his best friend and he could tell her anything without feeling judged. But he'll never tell you how much she really truly meant to him because he knows it would only hurt you-."

"I know he misses her and I know she meant a lot to him," Emma replied, interrupting Jay. "I understand that but he's moved on."

"See, I think you really don't get it," Jay interjected. "She meant more to him than you will ever know. She was more to him than the mother of his child and his fiancé and any other label you can put on her. Ellie was... she was everything to Sean. And you're just… you're just not.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not saying this to be cruel-."

"But you are! Because you are cruel," Emma cried angrily. "If you want to blame someone for Sean's unhappiness, look in the mirror."

"I already blame myself!" Jay shouted back. "Everyday and I'm not trying to project my blame on you. I'm not trying to make myself feel better by making you feel worse. I'm just trying to help you see why Sean isn't the husband you deserve. You deserve someone who can love you with everything he has. Sean can't do that right now. Maybe one day he will be, but is it really worth waiting around to see if _maybe _happens? It alls comes back to Ellie, don't you see that Emma?

"I know you love him Emma. But, even nearly four years later, Sean's not ready to really love someone. He's still lost in grief. I know you feel that. I don't even have to know you to see that you've thought about the same things I'm saying to you."

"Jay, shut it," Emma snapped. "Your time's up. Go back to the prison."

"Oh fuck this," Jay shouted, knocking the plant to the floor in a rush of anger. "I was trying to be at least civil about this but I forgot one small factor; you're anything but civil. Sean isn't _happy_. He's _sick_, he's _hurt_, and he might as well be dieing! And all the while the only thing you can think of is how to keep your claws in him a little longer. Well you know what? That's bitch. You're a bitch. Sean still loves Ellie!"

Emma could feel her entire body shaking with anger at Jay's outburst. She was almost literally seeing red as she threw a question at Jay. "If he loves her so much, why'd he come back to me?"

Jay let out a bitter laugh as he left his place at the doorway and stood next to Emma. He bent his head down level with her ear and in a whisper, he voiced her worst fear.

"Do you honestly think he would've ended up with you if she were still alive?" Jay's whispering voice sounded louder than a plane engine to Emma. "You are his second choice. How's that feel? How does it feel knowing that you can even compete against a dead woman for your husband's heart?"

"He- he gave me his heart when he ma-married me," Emma said in a shaky voice.

"He couldn't have. Because he buried his heart in a grave three and a half years ago in the grave that says 'Ellie Nash, 1987-2006, We'll Forever Remember'."

"He buried a _piece _of his heart."

Jay stepped away and walked towards the doorway, only turning around to stare Emma in the eye when he reached it. His blue eyes were hard but Emma knew he believed every word that was coming out of his mouth.

"He buried his entire fucking heart, Emma. You never got it back after Ellie had it. You need to know that. You can do whatever you want with what I just said. But my voice is going to be in your head every time you see Sean almost cry and never tell you why. Every time he almost breaks down and every time he almost wishes you were her. He's faithful and loyal, yes. He'll stick with you for as long as you two are in this commitment. But he can't change his feelings."

Jay walked out the door leaving Emma fighting back her tears. As she stared into the mirror, she let them fall down, each tear bringing two more with it.

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I write, you read, you review, I write more.

AN: WHEEE! I'm so proud of me! I love the way this chapter came out. I think I finally have the Emma I was trying to get across to you; the Emma who is so full of doubt and terror and denial that she honestly didn't know what to do with it. And I still love my Jay because despite his asshole appearance, I know Jay has a soul in there somewhere, especially for his friends. And not even just that, but others also. If Jay didn't care about something, JT would have died in the ravine because no one else even noticed him.


	9. Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: Normally, I say See Chapter 1, but since Sean _is_ back in Degrassi now, it doesn't really work anywhere… but I still don't own any of our favorite troubled teens…

AN: Thanks for sticking with me over my grounding hiatus. I'm back with a vengeance, I hope. In comparison, it's a little short, but you're treated to a long memory; the first one Ellie is not physically in. This chapter was somewhat easy to write simply because it hit so close to home. Recently, out school lost one of the most precious people ever to grace its halls and it affected everyone. He was 'one in a lifetime'. RIP Josh.

Feedback: A must-have. Never leave home without it.

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Sitting comfortably on a metal rod connected to the building's air conditioning unit, Sean slowly traced a circle with the toe of his boot into the thin layer of gravel that sat on the roof of Degrassi Community School. It was strange to him that his greatest moments of peace came from sitting on top of the building that housed his teenage years- the years filled with the hate, anger, angst, friendship, acceptance, and love that makes up ones high school experience. Such a volatile mix of emotions; peace did not seem to have any place in them. Yet, since Ellie's death, Degrassi seemed to be the only place that had allowed him to go and rest.

For the first three months, he cried once for Ellie. It was that night he was with her in the hospital, in an act of sheer desperation that he cried, manically hoping that somehow the salty water could be her saving grace. Once the sedative had worn off and as he watched Jay being arrested and led away, he realized that Ellie wasn't coming back. Sean's tears simply stopped flowing. They always tugged at the back of his conscious but Sean refused to let them out. They didn't help anyone, especially not her, the only thing he wanted.

As his senior year was coming to a close, Degrassi proved, once again, to be his second chance…

"_Sean? Can I ask you something? A favor of sorts" _

_Sean glanced up with a bemused expression, eyeing the blonde senior as she sat down in the chair next to him in Media Immersions lab. Paige Michalchuk; the last time he'd spoken to her was at Ellie's grave when she'd cried and apologized like a mad-woman. She even hugged him. Now, after nearly three months of silence and one week left in their senior year, she was asking him for a favor. Fate sure did like sending little surprises Sean' way._

"_Depends on what it is."_

"_As you know, I was voted to be our Class Elected Speaker for graduation," Paige said smoothly, tossing her hair over her shoulder and smiling slightly. "I'm been working on it for a few weeks but it just doesn't seem to be coming together the way I want it to. Something's missing in it in and I think you might be able to help me with it."_

"_I don't know what you think I can do. I'm not exactly Shakespeare," Sean replied with a shrug. "Your car I can fix; your speech, I can't."_

"_Now that you mention it, my car needs a little work," Paige laughed, eliciting as small smile from Sean as well. "No, but seriously, you can help. Actually, it's not really help I need, it's more like permission."_

"_Permission for what?"_

"_I want to talk about Ellie."_

_Awkward silence settled over the two as Sean stared blankly into Paige's eyes, unsure of what to say. It wasn't shocking to him of Paige thinking about Ellie – after all, they had been sort of friends – that rendered him wordless; it was the surprise that Paige, the type to never apologize for anything she said, was _asking _him if she could include Ellie in her speech for graduation. _

"_I don't understand," Sean said slowly, as the initial surprise wore off. "Why are you asking me if it's okay to talk about Ellie? It's not like I'm the only one who knew her or misses her."_

"_I realize that," Paige explained. "I've been listening to the crowds lately for some good gossip that might spark an idea for my speech, and the main thing I've heard is people crying over the ones who couldn't be here for graduation. And that made me think of Ellie, which made me want to cry, but then I thought, 'Why couldn't my speech be about her?' or at least partly. We all miss her, we truly do. But, it was tragic and you were the closest to her, I couldn't just run with it. I felt like I had to ask your permission or warn you or something. Sean, it's only been three months. We're all totally raw from it still. You're probably rawest. I just needed to think that… that you'd be okay with it."_

_Sean shook his head, his mind spinning from Paige's mini-speech. He could see why she'd be chosen as Class Elected Speaker; the girl could go on about anything at any given moment. When he glanced back up at her, he noticed the sudden dejected look in her eye that just didn't suit her. _

"_I guess I can do something else then," Paige sighed. "I mean, if you don't want me to talk about Ellie."_

"_I didn't say that," Sean whispered. _

"_You shook your head."_

"_Look, that past dew months have been kind of crazy for me," Sean admitted. "Ellie and the baby's death, Jay's imprisonment, graduation, late college acceptance letters… and now I have Paige Michalchuk asking me for permission to talk about one of her friends. I'm just… you kind of threw me a bit. But, it's cool Paige. Talk about whatever you want. If that's Ellie, then it's Ellie. Just, make her proud, you know?"_

"_Oh I will," Paige practically squealed, looping her arms around Sean's neck. "I will. Thank you so much Sean." _

_As the week flew by, Sean found himself being cornered nearly every few hours by Paige as she kept begging him to read her speech – he refused – or asking him again if he was sure he was okay with this – he was sure – so by the time the actual graduation ceremony came around, Sean's nerves were standing on end due to the combination of graduating and Paige's mysterious speech. To make matters worse, her speech was at the end of the two hour ceremony, second to only the valedictorian's speech. Finally after sitting restlessly through the receiving of the diplomas, scholarships, and awards, it was finally time for Paige to stand up and tell the world all about the woman he loved, and the friend she missed._

"_Hi. I am Paige Michalchuk. It's been quite a ride here at Degrassi. I mean, let's face it, we've have nearly every dysfunction pop up at our school, myself included. But, we made it through, all of us together. Well, most of us did anyway. We've had people drop out, people held back, people disappear. They'll make it through one day, but on this day, it's about those of us sitting in these chairs today._

"_I struggled long and hard over this speech, needing it to be exactly right in my perfectionist ways. I tired everything, but there was always something missing. It was then that I realized that the reason I felt something was missing in my speech is because something was missing in our school. Quite recently, a tragedy occurred, leaving the Class of 2006 one member short. Because this still weighs heavy on my heart and on the hearts of all those who ever connected with her, I would very much like to honor one person who deserves to be standing here on this stage today with all of us, but isn't – Ellie Nash."_

_Sean stiffened in his seat, anxiety washing over him as he listened to Paige's voice, already sounding of tears. A knot formed in his throat, and try as he might, he couldn't force it back down. _

"_Ellie was one in a lifetime. She wasn't vulnerable or weak or shy and had no real need for protection, but there was something in her that made you want to care about her, even if she didn't want or need it. Perhaps it was a simple, calm demeanor that made you wonder what really lay under the surface of her skin. Ellie was not the trusting type. To get to know her, she had to trust you. And if she trusted you, you felt different, almost better. Ellie had a way of leaving you a little better than you had been before. In my case, it was a slow process, but I know that I am a better person for knowing her. She unwittingly carved a place in my heart for herself, and in the hearts of all who knew her. When she died, that place in out hearts cried for her and for ourselves. That place, without her in it, became nothing more than a scar."_

_Sean's vision was blurring, bringing him the closest to tears he'd been in three months. He wasn't sure what he was expecting out of Paige, but he was not expecting to grieve over Ellie during his graduation. He hadn't expected to grieve at all._

"_I don't want Ellie to be marked by a scar. I want to remember her life, as dysfunctional as the rest of us and as meaningful. She was one of the best people I will ever know and I'm sorry Ellie. I'm sorry it took losing you to realize how much you really meant to me. _

"_It is unfortunate that tragedies have to happen before you realize what a person means to you. With that in mind, my wish for the senior class is that you never take advantage of a situation or relationship again. Hold them close, treasure them, and never ever let them leave without telling them how much they mean to you. Live your life with no regrets. Never wonder what might have been, or if they knew you loved them. Tell them. And live in such a way that your life touches someone, the way may have touched you."_

_He wasn't going to make it. He knew it even before the applause began to echo in his ears; the tears he'd locked away at the bottom of his heart were going to spill out after three months of captivity. The only thing he could think to do was quietly slip out of the auditorium as the ceremony progressed, wiping furiously at his eyes. _

_Fate was a bitch; he decided when he realized where his feet had carried him. It was a cold, heartless bitch who happened to favor him as its plaything. _

_The roof was exactly as he remembered it; tall, lined with gravel, and the quiet hum of the air conditioning unit. It was the first place he'd really connected with Ellie, and the last place he wanted to be when he was having a breakdown. _

"_Fuck you," Sean whispered. He wasn't sure who it was too; maybe Ellie, maybe Paige, maybe fate, maybe life, maybe himself. But whoever he was referring to, those were the only two words he could vocalize as his tears etched paths down his face. His legs gave out from under him as he fell to the ground. Sean knew his knees were groaning in protest to they made impact, but the pain didn't register in his mind. "Fuck you," he repeated._

_For the hours he spent up there that night, the roof seemed to be a separate world; an escape that filled with the most peculiar sense of serenity while he sat in a turmoil of emotion. It felt like the calm in the storm…_

That tranquility was still there, something Sean was eternally grateful for. And just like Emma had her office, he had the high school roof to escape to when needed be. And he certainly needed to get away from his life for the moment.

His marriage was falling apart. He could feel it, and his gut was telling him that it was all his fault. He couldn't figure out how to explain to Emma that he did indeed love her, but Ellie was always going to be in the most conscious part of his heart, side by side with her. He couldn't imagine Emma understanding this, or ever really accepting it. Or maybe he was giving her too little credit.

But the way she reacted to that box, it was frightening. Clearly she was jealous, and if she hadn't attacked him or Ellie, he would have told her that he hadn't looked in the box for two years and didn't remember half of the stuff he'd kept in there. But, instead of trying to sedate the situation, he'd made it worse because he had the urge to defend his dead lover.

"I'm going crazy," Sean said aloud to the clouds, shaking his head slowly. "Maybe there really is something wrong with me"

He thought he'd gotten past her death, gone through the five stages and whatnot, but maybe he'd fooled himself. Maybe he hadn't really accepted Ellie's death. Maybe he was intentionally isolating himself or falling into depression. There had to be something that could be used to label what he was.

The poly-tone version of Eminem's 'Lose Yourself' filled the air, reminding Sean that the real world could still reach him at his sanctuary. The number was unknown, but that wasn't uncommon to Sean, his car garage business sending him in a few unknown callers every day.

"Sean Cameron."

"Hey, Sean, it's me," Jay responded with his slightly raspy voice. "I went to see you, but you weren't around at the apartment. You working or something?"

"No, the garage is closed for the weekend," Sean explained.

"Oh," Jay said almost dumbly and silence filled the line.

"Jay?"

"Yeah, sorry," Jay sounded almost startled. "Look, man, I may have screwed things up between you and Emma more."

"What the hell did you do?" Sean asked tiredly, rubbing a hand across his face.

"I went to see her at work and I tried to talk to her about you and Ellie and you and her," Jay admitted. "And she got really defensive and I called her a bitch. Said something about how you never could have loved her because you buried your heart."

"Damn it Jay!" Sean groaned. "I didn't ask you to help me."

"I know," Jay said apologetically. "It's just... you're my boy, man. And I hate seeing you all upset over a girl. I just… I want something to work out for you, I guess."

"I do love her Jay," Sean said, thinking back to his earlier comment. "Same as you love Alex."

"I know. What I said, it came out wrong. I mean it all, because it's all the truth as I see it and as what I think you've told me, but it all came out wrong. She's pretty upset with me and maybe you."

"I have to call Emma, try and fix this," Sean said, hanging his head. "Bye Jay."

Sean flipped the phone shut and stared at the black plastic cover. He watched the digital clock tick away the minutes. He knew it was going to call her, he just didn't know when. Thirty minutes ticked by and he had yet to dial her number when a single tone signaled to him that he'd received a text message.

Fm: Emma  
We need 2 talk. B home by 8. –Em

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AN2: It got a little weak towards to end, but considering it is now 11:30 am and I've officially been up for40 hours… that's fine with me. I'm expecting two-three chapters left in this story.

I write, you read, you review, I write more.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own.

**AN: **I've returned, for good this time. If you're at all interested in my excuse for not updating in over a year, I will PM you, otherwise I don't want to bore you or keep you from the new chapter.

**Reviews:** are much appreciated.

**AN2: **Unless otherwise attributed, all italics will be Ellie.

**Dedication: **To those who still you remember me and my little baby (this fic).

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"_We need to talk."_

The last time he'd heard those words, Ellie had said them, but for the life of him, Sean couldn't remember what had followed. Was it bad? Good? Why couldn't he remember? Was he actually… forgetting her?

A shiver of panic raced down his spine at the thought. "We'll Forever Remember", that's what her tombstone said. He couldn't forget her, he couldn't betray her like that; not when it was the last promise he'd ever made to her.

"_Stop it,"_ he commanded himself, clenching the steering wheel with whitening knuckles. _"You loved her. She's gone. End of story. All this shit isn't doing anything but fucking you up even more."_

As if they were on repeat, those words echoed in Sean's head as he made his way up the stairs, through the door of his apartment, and sat frozen on his couch. Looking around, it was as if her were seeing the way he'd surrounded himself over the years with pictures of Emma, her smell, her smile. His heart swelled, he truly loved her.

It wasn't just the "she's my wife" kind of love, it was real love. She'd helped him, been there for him when he needed her, and God damn her, she was so patient with him. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.

And it was all slipping away from him, again. And, just like last time he'd lost the person he loved, he felt helpless to do anything about it because despite his love for Emma, he knew he still wasn't over Ellie, that he still loved that girl as deeply as he loved Emma. And because of this, he was going to lose everything.

He could see her, packing her bags and leaving him behind. She would probably cry, but Emma had always been strong, so her tears wouldn't stop her. They would fight before she left, probably about everything and nothing. Then, it would come down to that one question: "do you love me?"

He had no idea how to answer that without making Emma second place or Ellie mean less than she did. All he knew is that it was way past time to be honest, and maybe, just maybe if he was, some of the damage he'd done to himself and to his wife could be repaired; or maybe not. It was a new feeling, this feeling of purpose, clashing with the pain and confusion he'd felt for the majority of the last four years. But mostly, he was scared; who knew making decisions could be this frightening?

"_Fear means you're conscious enough to change," she said, her red hair falling softly over his shoulder. "Fear means you know you need to. Good luck, my love."_

Sean nodded.

He felt calm.

The door creaked open.

Emma walked through.

And he didn't panic.

"Sean?" Emma said with an uncertain quiver when she spied him sitting on the couch. "You're already here. I- I wasn't really expecting you to be here so early."

"You said we needed to talk," Sean said calmly. "I agree."

"It's about Ellie, and us."

"I know."

It took Emma a few moments to collect herself. She'd expected Sean to shut down, to leave, to do just about anything but stay on the couch staring at her with his green eyes, the saddest, most beautiful green eyes she'd ever seen.

"I just – I was going to have this whole speech prepared before you got here," Emma stuttered, rubbing the back of her neck. "I don't want – I don't want us to fight, in case that's what you're waiting for."

"I don't want to fight either."

"It's just, this is a little overdue."

"Yeah," Sean sighed, and then took a deep breath before continuing. "So, I can go first if you want me too. Or, you can. However you want to do this."

"I just feel – I feel like a bitch," Emma said, placing her hand on Sean's knee as she sat next to him on the couch. "I act like someone I don't like when I'm around you. I always had such a soft spot for you and I can't control how I feel about you. It hurts me when you hurt. But it hurts me worse when you feel like you have to hide it from me."

"I thought I would be protecting you if I didn't tell you," Sean interjected. "I didn't want to hurt you. But I guess – I guess I did in another way."

"Yeah," Emma admitted. "It hurt to think that you didn't love me anymore. It hurt to think that a woman who's de – not even around anymore could have a stronger hold on you than I did. I worry everyday that I'm only second place to you now. I don't know what to do with it all, and then it all comes out wrong when I try to talk to you about it. I know I love you Sean, with all my heart. But I don't know how to love you anymore."

"I do love you Emma," Sean said, squeezing her hand.

"I have just one question. It's sort of a make or break deal," Emma said pulling away gently and staring into his eyes.

It was coming, he could feel it.

"Do you love her Sean? More than me?"

Another deep breath filled his lungs. It was time. His life was going to change again; he knew it as deeply as he knew the answer to Emma's question. It was the same question he'd been asking himself for years, only now did he truly understand his answer.

"No, not more than you," Sean said softly.

"Then we have something we can work from," Emma smiled, running her fingers through his hair. As it came down the side of his face, he caught her hand and brought it to his lips.

Then he let it all drop: her hand, his stomach, his heart, his brick walls.

"But I don't love her less than you either."

"No," Emma spoke with disbelief, getting up from the couch and began pacing along the opposite wall. "No, no, no, no Sean, please don't do this. This is not complicated. Please don't make this complicated."

"But it is complicated, Emma," Sean said, his voice cracking as tears tugged on the corners of his eyes. "At least it is for me."

"But it's not!" Emma screamed desperately, tears freely flowing down her face. "God, you act like I didn't have other boyfriends after you. But none of them worked out, Sean. You know why? Because it's always been you for me. You're the only one I ever really wanted."

"You just said it," Sean laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "_I _have. I've wanted someone else. I have had someone else other than you that I wanted more than anything. And she- she died. And it's still so hard trying to separate those feelings I had for her-

"Still have."

Sean nodded; he knew it was the truth. "The feeling I still have for her and the feelings I have for you now. I was so in love with you when I first met you. I couldn't imagine anything better. And all that shit got between us and I fell for someone else. I fell for Ellie so hard and so fast and it hurt so bad when I lost her. But then, you came in you believed in me, and you helped me. And that made me made me fall for you all over again. And I felt good. I felt in love again. But… I still see her… in my head, in my dreams. And… I don't know how to say 'no' to her. This whole fucking thing makes no sense. The only thing I know is I love you. And I love her. I don't know how to let either of you go."

"So… what does this mean Sean?" Emma asked, sitting back down beside him, burying her head in his shoulder. "What are we supposed to do?"

"I think – I think it would be best if I could talk to someone," Sean whispered, pressing a kiss to Emma's silky blonde hair. "Like a professional, someone who really knows how to deal with my head."

"That's brave of you," Emma sniffled. "You hate needing help."

"And also, I think -," Sean suddenly choked, his throat thickening with the very thought of hurting Emma even more.

"Think what?"

"I think we should – take… take a break," Sean gasped. "From each other."

"No."

"Emma, please. We've hurt each other so much, I don't know if we can fix it," Sean begged. "I can't fix our marriage until I fix myself. I'm not asking you to wait for me, but I need – I need to be by myself while I do this. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry."

"I don't want to lose you," Emma cried, throwing her arms around his neck and kissed him. It was different than any of the other kisses they'd shared. It was desperate, harsh, needy. It was an ending.

When Emma pulled back, her tears were dry, but the pain was still there in her eyes as she said, "I've already have, haven't I? I've already lost you."

"I don't know Emma. I really just don't know."

He threw himself into Emma's arms, stroking her hair, letting his own tears fall as they said goodbye, in their own silent way and in their hearts. He didn't know if he'd ever hold her like this again.

But he'd be damned to hell if he hurt her anymore.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

They decided he would stay in the apartment; after all, it was legally his. She didn't leave him a phone number. He didn't ask for one. She told him to call Manny when he was ready to figure out the next step; Manny would know how to get in touch with her.

Two weeks later, he sat next to a slight, thin girl with the blackest hair he'd ever seen in the pale blue and green office, staring at the glinting plaque on the door that read:

Dr. Galeotti, Ph.D.  
Psychiatrist

The door swung open, replacing his vision with that of a middle-aged blonde gentleman, who made eye contact with him and gestured into his office, inviting him in, as if he were an old friend.

One who he'd never met.

"I'm Dr. Galeotti," the man introduced himself as Sean stood in the center of the room. Funny how much it looked like the movies. He definitely wasn't sitting on the couch, he instantly decided.

"Miss Golden, I'll be with you after my appointment, all right­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­?" the doctor said as he closed the door.

"She doesn't have an appointment?" Sean wondered aloud, confused.

"Not until next week, but I invite my patients to visit should they ever need to," Dr. Galeotti explained. "Most don't, but some do."

"Do you charge them?"

"That's a double-edged question isn't it?" the doctor chuckled. "We're not talking about other people right now. You scheduled this appointment without another doctor's referral. I assume this is your idea to come talk to a complete stranger."

"I'm a little fucked up," Sean shrugged. "Sorry."

"Feel free to say anything you like, anyway you want."

"I just need to figure some things out," Sean sighed, finally sitting down in the chair across from the doctor's desk. "I haven't done so well on my own for the last… well, nearly four years."

"Where do you want you start?"

"Don't you want me to start at the beginning?" Sean asked.

"You can start where ever you want to, in whatever order makes the most sense to you," Dr. Galeotti said patiently. Sean noticed he hadn't taken out a notepad or anything yet.

"I still don't know where you want me to start."

"Try this," the doctor instructed. "Clear your mind."

Sean closed his eyes, trying to force everything out of his head. Emma, Jay, Alex, his mom, dad, Tracker, Ellie…

"Clear?"

Sean nodded.

"What's the first thing that comes back to you?"

"Ellie."

Sean opened his eyes, focusing on the doctor's encouraging smile.

"That's the perfect place to start."

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****AN3: **(because I know you will ask) The Ellie moment: memory or Sean's conscious? You pick, because it works either way. 

**AN4: **No, this is not the end. I have two more chapters planned, the next of which will be up next week.

I write, you read, you review, I write more… and I mean it this time.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Disclaimer: **Still not owning.

**AN: **You have no idea how happy I am to be back in the fandom and writing again. I forgot how much the whole process means to me. It makes my heart happy.

This may or may not be the last chapter. I have another chapter planned and (get this) already written, but I'm not sure if I want to post it because this came out and ended exactly like I wanted it too. I'm afraid the next might ruin the integrity of the story. I'll decide later.

**Reviews: **PLEASE! I love them.

**AN2: **Unless otherwise attributed, all italics are Ellie.

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_**Seven Months Later…**_

"Forever" was the only word left peaking through the fresh blanket of snow; the hard, black granite glinting in the early afternoon sun. Forever, for such a loaded word, was one of the most commonly used words for headstone inscriptions. At least, that's what the designer said when Sean spoke with her. It would be easy to mistake someone else's grave for the one he was really looking for, she'd said. But Sean knew, even then, that wouldn't be a problem. He knew exactly where he was. He would never forget.

With one gloved hand, he quietly wiped away the frozen flakes from the grave marker, a patch of black in the pristine, white world of the Canadian winter. A slight breeze danced through the ends of his coat, nipping at his nose and ears, filling his mouth with the strange taste of cold weather – a mix of copper and ice.

He hadn't been to her grave since her burial, a little over four years ago. Why he picked today, with the new winter settling in, he wasn't exactly sure. Maybe it was the snow that convinced his to stop on his way home. Instead of looking the other way, as he so often did when forced to drive by this particular cemetery, he felt calmed by the delicate sense of serenity and beauty that had replaced the dull gray hollow the graveyard usually looked like. With the white snow painting every inch of uncovered ground, it was almost… comforting, inviting.

Or maybe, it was just time.

"It's cold today," he whispered, staring at the cursive 'E' that curled to shape her name. "It's going to be a cold winter. You'd hate that you'd have to miss it. I remember how much you liked the cold."

"_It's freezing Ellie!" Sean laughed as she flung open the flimsy screen door and ran into the snow-covered yard in her makeshift pajamas – the tank top she'd worn yesterday and a pair of his boxers._

"_No, it's perfect!" Ellie shouted back, sticking her tongue out at him playfully before latching onto his arm and pushing him out the door and into a cold pile of snow, then ran away, laughing the whole time._

"I'm sorry I haven't come by," Sean said, swallowing hard, trying to coax back the awkward silence he could feel trying to pounce on him and crush the delicate moment of vulnerability he was having. "I don't really have an excuse. Not that you'd want one."

"_Truth, Sean. Truth is more important than excuses are."_

"Truth is, I've been kind of avoiding you, avoiding myself," Sean said, his voice soft. "It's been hard without you Els. I know you've probably been up there, rolling your eyes at me, screaming at me to just "get on with it already" but… you left me broken Ellie. It's true; you shattered me.

"I know it wasn't your fault, but it sucks. You were everything I wanted and more than I needed. You didn't try to fix me or change me. And that, I think, made me fall in love with you. I was so tired of being changed and fixed. You let me be okay with my faults and my mistakes. You let me help you with yours. You were really the first person to do that for me.

"Emma tried. She really did. After you died and Jay went to jail, she was there for me and she tried so hard to help me get past losing you. She really understood that you were the most perfect thing in my life. She – I fell in love with her again too. But I wasn't ready to. I was still pretty fucked up over you."

"_I have this theory," Ellie said, pointing her pencil at Marco. "It's easy to fall in love. It really is. It's an attraction to someone else that you choose to pursue. And if they feel the same way back, then it gets bigger and deeper and you're suddenly in love."_

"_Do you really need me here for this?" Sean sighed, leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. _

"_You're welcome to leave," Ellie said flippantly before continuing to lecture Marco. "So, it's easy to fall in love. But it's harder to have the right timing."_

"_What's timing got to do with it?" Marco laughed._

"_Almost everything," Ellie insisted. "It has to be right, emotionally and chronologically. Because what happens if you fall in love at the wrong time? Disaster; or worse, nothing. Nothing happens and you're left with every cliché in the book about unrequited love. Or it ends in disaster."_

"I wouldn't call it a disaster exactly," he continued, "but things with Emma ended pretty badly. We actually got married first though. And… somehow I managed to convince myself that things were good, that they were okay and it was like every other marriage. But it was wrong and fake. It's my fault, I know. I should have put her first, I know. I thought I did. I did what she asked, I helped her with her projects, I loved her, I took care of her, I held her… but it wasn't enough, I guess, just to take care of her. She knew I wasn't really there with her. I wasn't ready to be there and it breaking my heart all over again, only this time I was breaking hers too. I didn't want to; it just happened. Dr. Galeotti wonders if I was afraid to be alone.

"He's my shrink, by the way. He's okay. I'm still seeing him after seven months so I guess he's better than okay."

The wind blew, forcing Sean to wrap his jacket around him tighter. Nothing had changed, physically. It was still white. It was still pure. It encouraged him, that something could be a stoic, as static as he was at the moment. Not changing, but still there, still being.

"I'm divorcing Emma. It's a mutual thing. She was uh… building houses downtown for these families whose houses burned down or the homeless or something. But anyway, you know, she met some guy. He's a carpenter, I think, but he was volunteering and they kind of hit it off. They've been going out for awhile now and, I can tell, she really likes him.

"She asked me for the divorce actually, but it's not like I haven't been expecting it. It's just… sad. She was like the last part of my old life. Now, I'm alone. And it's… different. I don't know how I feel about it, but you would tell me that it's time that I figure out how to be by myself.

"I still miss you. I think I'll always miss you. But I think I've figure out that I'm not supposed to completely shut you out. I just need to find a way to live with your memories and everything you were to me. I need to be more to myself first.

"I don't know what I'm going to do exactly. You would. You always had a plan or at least the start of a plan. I'm just kind of going with it as it comes; dealing with it instead of shutting down.

"I know it's stupid, but for the first time in my life, I'm all on my own and I hate it. I hate having to tell myself what to do. I feel like such a fucking loser; sometimes I don't even want to get up in the morning. I always had someone, either the state, Tracker, Emma, you… I really don't know what to do without _someone _giving me directions. I know it's pathetic.

"I just… God, it's all twisted up Ellie. I miss you so much. I would give anything to have you back, but I know that can't happen. So, it's time to be okay with what happened to you, or to at least accept it.

"Galeotti was telling me about the "five stages of grief" the other day. They're supposed to go in order, like the first one is denial, then anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance… I went through the first three stages in like, a few hours, but I've been stuck between depression and acceptance for more than four years now. And sometimes I go back to being angry. But you know what? I don't care. I can be angry and sad and hurt because I lost the most important thing in the world to be. That's what I accept, that I can feel that way about what happened. I accept that you're gone, that you're dead. I don't accept that it was "okay" because it wasn't fucking okay and it wasn't fucking fair.

"I'm going to make myself okay, Ellie, and I'm going to be okay. But I'm not going to hide you from people again. I won't bury you. They'll know about what we had and they'll be fine with it if they want to know me. But I won't let this define me anymore. I have to… I don't know what I have to be, but whatever it is, I have to be that without this disaster hanging over my heart anymore.

"I won't forget you. I can't forget you. But I have to let go a little bit or I'll lose myself forever, or I'll lose you completely by shutting down for good. If I don't start changing, really changing this time, not pretending to, I'll lose everything… again. And I can't take that again; my heart can't take it.

"But I do love you. So much. And I miss you… and I'm starting to talk in circles," Sean laughed, the resonating sound out of place in the stark silence or the graveyard. "I guess I'll see you later. Maybe next time I come back, I won't sound like a fucking lunatic. Maybe you'll understand what I'm trying to say."

Sean dropped down to his knees and slowly traced her name with an ungloved hand. The cold stone greedily sucked the warmth from his hand, but he left it there, lingering over the final curve in the "H", signaling the end of her name, her life.

"Wish me luck with this, Els."

"_Changing sucks. It hurt, but-"_

"But it has to happen. And I think I'm strong enough to do it now."

The snow crunched under his boots, the same way it had when he walked in. The wind blew, the snow fell, the sun struggled to shine through the clouds, but Sean could feel it – the difference. It wasn't big; he was still hurt and insecure, but it was there, patiently tending to the tiny spark of conviction that had suddenly appeared in his soul, encouraging it to rage into a wildfire.

Change, he knew, was coming. He was ready.

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****AN3: **I know, it's a super long monologue and very Sean-centric, but the nature of the story deemed this necessary. And people do talk to headstones like that, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility. Sorry if you hated it… 

**AN4: **Reading the two chapters in sequence, before posting this one, I've managed to convince myself to post the last, alternate-extended ending to _Behind the Static_, so there will be one final chapter that will be posted sometime in the next week.

I write, you read, you review, I write more.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. Nothing. Obviously.

**AN: **This is it, we've come to the end – well, the extended ending anyway. I decided that, personally, I needed to _see_ Sean make an effort, instead of just talking about it. When he was with Emma in this story, he'd been trying to convince himself that he'd made his peace with Ellie, but he actually hadn't and that's what destroyed his only other good relationship. So, thus, this little brainchild of an extended ending was born.

**Warning:** If you _absolutely_ loved the last chapter and don't want this story to end any other way for you, I strongly suggest you don't read this.

**Reviews:**I love. But please, don't leave me one that says "I hate this because the other ending was so much better". Add a "because" to your claim. If you love this, tell me, because that makes me feel good.

**AN2: **Unless otherwise attributed, all italics will be Ellie.

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_**3 Months Later… **_

He couldn't remember the last time he'd been at The Dot, though he doubted that it had changed much. In fact, he'd be surprised if it had changed at all. Maybe the mugs were different.

But, more importantly than the last time he'd graced the little diner, was he couldn't even figure out what the hell he was doing there. No, that wasn't true; he knew exactly why he was there, he just couldn't figure out what had possessed him to ask _her _to meet him here.

He was still trying to figure out how he'd managed to get himself into this – because it was entirely his idea – when she walked through the door, a little startled by the tingling of the bell. He saw her duck her head and instantly knew she was blushing, because she always pulled her hair in front of her face when she was embarrassed. If he knew nothing else about her, he knew that.

"Hi," she said quietly, sitting in the chair across the table from him.

"Hey," Sean said in return, a little more enthusiastically than necessary, perhaps, because she started chuckling under her breath, causing him to laugh quietly also. "Sorry. Nerves, I guess."

"You're nervous?"

"A little, I guess," Sean admitted. "So, uh… how are you Rachel?"

"I- I- I'm sorry, I can't do this," Rachel said, her chocolate eyes filling with a secret fear, her ink-like hair whipping around to cover her face as she reached for her bag and began to stand up. "I'm not ready for anything serious Sean. I don't even know why I came here. You were just so nice in asking and I don't know how to say no to nice people and you are a nice person I think, but I don't need to be in a relationship so I'm just going to leave before we – I mean you – no, I mean I get into -."

"Rachel, breathe," Sean laughed, grabbing her wrist and leading her back to her chair. "Relax, this isn't a date."

"It's not?" Rachel questioned, her left eyebrow quirked up; her nervous rambling had been taken over by an inquisitive air. "Then what is it?"

"Well, this wasn't exactly planned," Sean explained. "I didn't expect to invite you to lunch. You can even pay if you want to. I just – you're easy to talk to and I like talking to you, even if it's only for five minutes once a week. It's kind of like therapy after therapy. I think you do me good, letting me to talk to you. I was just hoping we could do that."

"I'm not a psychiatrist, Sean," Rachel quickly point out.

"That's okay, I don't need another one," Sean laughed. "But I could use a friend. And I was sort of hoping that, you know, you could be – God, I sound like I'm in grade one."

"It's okay," Rachel smiled slightly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Yeah, I could use a friend too. All my other ones think they already know what's wrong with me and they don't really listen to me when I talk to them."

"I feel the same way sometimes," Sean agreed. "Jay, my best friend, he means well, but he's got his own issues to figure out."

"So, friend," she whispered, leaning forward on her elbows. "May I ask you, as a friend, why you are seeing Dr. Galeotti?"

_Deep breath, breathe. Good._

"A girl," Sean replied, surprised that he didn't choke on the words.

"Me too," Rachel nodded, then quickly shook her head. "I mean, it was a guy. He really fuc– oh sorry! I promised my mother I'd stop – he really messed me up. I was in a pretty bad way for awhile. I loved him, but you know, he wasn't any good for me either."

"No, she was good for me," Sean clarified. "She was damn near perfect for me. We were going to get married, have a baby, the whole thing, but then she…left. No, she… she died. I'm still getting over it, even though it's been almost five years."

"It takes a long time, doesn't it?" Rachel said in a quiet voice, having resorted back to whispering. A silent agreement passed between the two as they each stared at themselves in the murky brown coffee sitting in front of them. Silence settled over them, not quite awkward, not quite comfortable.

"His name is Jacob," Rachel said, breaking the silence with the only thought she could manage.

"Her name was Ellie."

"Would you-," Rachel stammered, blushing again and tugging at her hair. "I mean, only if you want to; it's totally your choice, but… would you tell me about her?"

Sean smiled.

"_I love your smile, Sean. You should smile more often."_

**

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**AN3: **DO NOT FREAK OUT! No, I do not intend "Rachel" to be Sean's new love interest or have any kind of romantic involvement with. She's a confidant; a friend. And she's not based off of anyone I know personally. She's merely a plot point... and yes, this is actually the end of _Behind The Static._

**AN4:** Thank you for reading! I love you all very much. I'm so happy I got to write this and I'm happy that you guys let me write it. I think it's my personal best, but that's just me. I hope you understood what I was trying to say: that love is important, it's potent, and totally worth it, but it can be self-destructive if you let it. When you love, love honestly; don't hide it.

Anyway, I want to leave you guys, as my final thought, with the quote that inspired this fanfiction:

_There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. _F. Scott Fitzgerald


End file.
